Hey

It’s midnight, I have my coffee

I’m kinda getting excited for running my campaign.  Idk how much more there is gonna be to do tho; till Ima get my account straight.  The good thing is is that, I got my payment method in a while ago.

I judged for a minute; racism.  Idk why I w have those feelings.  I told myself that I needed to stop, and had a croissant, and forgot all about it.  I get them from ASDA, they’re a good snack for when I’m out.

I got to thinking about London.  Like, the point of being there, is to be around success.  The thing is tho, that, this Town is what powers my success.  I couldn’t do it anywhere else.  So if I were to move anywhere that said success, it w be here.

This happens a lot to people.  They make a ton of money spend the lot, and end up poor; wondering if my move to London c catalyze that.  Certainly be trying to buy like sh that said I w yk, loaded; and that w be my downfall.

I’m still chasing the vibe.  I w down Ferry Meadows, feeling everything.  G Ik why I loved that place when I w younger.  I’ll be coming off my medication soon, and w feel more; I’m wondering if, like, I w feel totally my full feelings.

Kinda scares me.  W if I appear to be someone young, at my age, won’t that draw attention to me.  G I f hate attention, I struggle like f w the way people look at me.

It’s like that song by Cheat Codes, you’re the poison and the remedy.  Just step into it more fully, for the tools to be able to deal.

That’s w scares me.  The whole time I w leveling up; people.. it just felt like they were singling me out more and more.  It reached fever pitch, and I had a relapse.  Tho, like I say; for the tools to deal, I need to just go all in.

That rly is w scares me.  W if it is unmanageable, w if I can’t deal, w if it’s just so far too much that I f lose my f mind.  It’s just another one of those Bets.  Like I said before, that’s one hell of a show.

I feel like authenticity, has sucked me in like Fersha, the destroying angel.  Once her tendrils get on me, there’s just no hope of escape.  Wriggling only quickens her grasp.  Well there’s only one way for me, so in I go.

I rly only wanted a normal life; frightened of losing any hope.  Ik that wealth c well rob me of that.  It frightens me.  Idek if J condones it.  The only thing I have going for me atm, is that I keep things low key.

I want nothing to change.  This is the life I want.  Ik that change w only happen w|i.  I lived in a council house growing up, and that w just.. oh the vibes, of being at home, felt so unreal.  How c I want anything else.

It’s all w|i.  Traveling back to those feeling, happens w|i.  It’s not anything external that w get me there.  My life has to stay exactly where it is now, while I work on myself.

That’s why I don’t want anything different to happen.  Ik my power is in the now.  I feel safe here.  I trust that it has all that I need.

Traveling back in age, has taught me that I don’t need sh.  All I need is me; the me that I w; the me that I move closer to every month that goes by.

It’s frightening, bc nobody has done it before.  It’s the same w this business.  I have no one to teach me, bc I am doing it my own way.  Read a book on Google Ads once; w a sh show that w.  Trusting that it is all w|i.

Maybe that’s true of all this.  Maybe I have w|i w I need, the power to get through this.  Just get that f limelight off of me.

Money w f me royally.  If limelight is kryptonite to me; then money w be my total undoing.  Ima not see how the f this is gonna work, tho Ima do it anyway.

W everyone on the planet wants, and it’s poison to me; says a lot about the focus of the world, all leaning towards their own destruction.  Been there, done that, having my self esteem tied to money.

Self esteem just is.. period.

Now it’s time to get this show on the road; feeling frickacha, about committing to this.  If anyone wants their head examining it’s me.  Once that campaign is running, I feel scared that my life as Ik it, is over, kinda; bit dramatic maybe.

I feel it’a all around how I grew up; seeing people through that lens, judging people through that lens, not being able to see past how I w created.  Stuck in values of someone else, like Mr Magoo.  How Ima change, I’m comfortable rn.

Change tho, is my raisans detre, Fersha again.  Everything in moderation; is that even possible.

To Change

K