Hey

It’s midnight, I have my coffee and CBD

I just wanna..

J’s commandment of leap for joy..  I get it.

I w struggling w the evil that people were saying.  I hear a lot in this town, about the value of having sex.  I feel it w like that; in that, it showed me the intimate side of people; hella lots of people.

I guess intimacy, w something that I just didn’t like; my truth w the absolute opposite, almost my religion.  I’m still a diehard loner.

It’s a rl intense fear, prolonged for hours; and then it fades, and leaves in its wake, a freedom from that fear, kinda.

Do I dare to say, that I welcome these things that people say, no matter how hard I struggle w it; obs resenting at the time tho, it is evil after all.

I wait until the time, and then try to follow that commandment; tho Ima not leap for joy, bc I would not push abrupt body language on anyone.

It’s something that is done in the moment.  It kinda confused me for a time.  I felt like I had to hold it, even tho it w making me judge for a hot minute; then I quickly let it go, and stopped judging; and then it w like bam, it hit me; it w something that rly was worth being seriously excited for.

Idc; I didn’t get ejected from reality, in pain, as used to happen a lot.  I guess Ima handle it, and try to welcome it, tho not put myself in situations to catalyze it.

I see them clearer now.  I guess next time, the depth of that fear, like I say, w not be there; it w be less.

In Other News

I get a lot of cars driving past me, rly focussing on me; at seven in the morning, I feel.  I don’t think this w carry on much longer.  Ik that drivers don’t leer at kids, and that they won’t leer at me, when my neurological age lowers to below eighteen, I feel.

I won’t even need to be dunked into that basin of like all those words, all that attention, for so long, before I have.. escaped all that, and just certified myself exempt from all those things.  Idk if that’s true tho a girl can hope.

I w no longer feel like a celebrity.  I w again, be nobody.  No attention, no one gives a f; just evaporate into obscurity, unseen and unnoticed; and they forget; and they will, I feel.

People w accept me and treat me w respect bc I am a kid; just another kid.  I am no taller than twelve.  A lifelong dream.

My body movements tell me that I may have to age backwards.  If they continue, I w have to be younger, they w require that, I feel.

In Other News

F about w Insta; don’t rly k what the f I’m doing; just.. mostly it’s not worrying about how Ima make this work.  That’s so important.  I have faith that it w come to me through trial and error; eventually.

There’s no need for this to work, I have nothing to prove.

I just wanna be left the f alone, I feel.  I look forward to it; hopefully.

it’s a process of becoming more and more aware.  It’s not book smart, it’s reality growth; like I have said, the process of proliferating more and more neurons, until that day, I feel how I used to; not judging people.

I hope that if I don’t judge them, they won’t judge me, then I w be at ease, super chill.  Maybe I w realize that kids are more relaxed than adults; I feel that it is judgement that causes anxiety.

To Being Twelve

K