Hey

It’s, Idk o clock; probably about 7pm

I kinda think I may have to give up CBD.  It’s a psychotic, I feel, and that must be a super no, as far as me.. bc I had to start taking more pills.

It’s been a challenging couple of days, w lots of help coming from different people.  Tbh, painful.

It just makes me wonder at life; it’s so crazy.  I hear things, are people rly saying it.  Is my TV talking to me.  Are people rly reading my mind.  Ima tell you that they are, I feel; unless I am hallucinating hearing w they are saying.  Do they k that they are getting it right, I feel; kinda makes me laugh.

I went out in my old jacket.  I w uncomfortable w my snowboarder one on.  I kinda feel like people are looking at me like I am better than them, w makes me feel shame.

Everything felt right, even my home.  I swear this place is posher than anywhere.

W

W the business; it kinda looks like Ima just stop w it; for a while, Idk.  I kinda didn’t like they way it felt to be that type of person; it feels better the other way; maybe there is a business that is a match for that; maybe mine is, I just don’t know it yet.

Feel like I have been feeling the holy spirit a lot, Idk, it feels like pain.

Turned someone down today, and there were others.

I kinda wonder where all this is going; w reality w be like in a little while.

I guess people wanna tell me sh that I wanna k; do I though; or are they just.. Idek what that is, like is it like, do they feel alive when they say it, is that why they speak those things.  I guess they are just talking.

So that is closeness; to people everywhere, some kinda intimacy; like being.. kindling that warmth between two people, breathing them in.

Everything’s a risk, tho the biggest risk is to take no risk at all.  People don’t communicate, never open, I feel.

I read this book on anxiety once; closed off till sitting in one room, afraid to leave the settee; said a lot.

I suppose it’s like someone prioritizing themself, more and more, tho w trust.

I guess through life, there are more and more things to be scared of, until there is nothing left, Idk.

I kinda said to myself that I have to risk it all.  It’s weird being aware of the consequence of every decision.  I guess that on the surface it seems like there are more dangers.

I feel that w fear, things are, were getting smaller and smaller and smaller.  The opposite happened in the eighties.  I wonder if it w bc of the decommissioning of nuclear ICBM’s.  Does war set the capacity for the size of the world.  Is peace w fuels growth; kinda makes sense that it w be that way.

Where w I put my age rn; Idek; definitely not like a teen, tho not not like a teen.  It’s just being chill that I’m after.  Tbh, like at the age of eighteen, I w on edge.

I guess working is something that carries risk, or at least is perceived that way.  Connection also.

To Risk

K