It’s nine; pm, I have my coffee
J says, merchants and buyers do not enter the kingdom of heaven. This concerns me. Tho w choice have I got.. I need some kinda income.
I w on the phone to The Department For Work And Pensions; and she told me that if I got some kinda profit; I must turn up the campaign and make as much money as possible and get off of support.
There is, are, no buyer or merchant involved, I feel.
Then I should take my money, and put it into Forex, and make my sixty percent a year; thereby supporting myself.
It’s a funny way to do it, being knowledgeable in both affiliate marketing and Forex; tho w is a girl to do.
Tbh, I feel that no one w be interested, bc I am lacking a reference. Such; the irony kills me that I should be making rude money, while they all say that I don’t deserve a shot, I feel.
This c be a very unhealthy judgement to make, hence why J says to not judge, Idk.
And
It’s all coming together; losing the feeling that J commandments are somehow not good for me. It has been a strong theme lately, w all the evil things that people are saying. It all turned inward into my soul, and I felt worthless; merely for bettering the buttering out of myself.
Idk if I said; tho I felt I w be punished, by, being stuck in the centre of the Earth, for eternity. It w so, beyond scary.
It w kinda a scrooge moment and left me feeling that I must make some money or get a job. I used to love Dickens when I w kid, and thought it w bring me that energy, of like Christmastime.
In Other News
I bought a microwave. I struggled to set the clock and this led to me forcing one of the buttons. I love it. My old one w getting a little rusty.
I also ordered a bunch of pot noodles; w are nice to have when I get home.
The feeling of freaking the f out that Ima die and lose my soul has passed, thank G. I have been on the medication for long enough, for the levels in my blood to get to being therapeutic.
I feel like I’m outta the woods.
I kinda got to thinking about boundaries. Say someone has boundaries that leave me feeling like they are cold. I w not f with that person anymore; tho I w lose that person. I feel it’s better to just respect those boundaries.
People are not perfect, and I feel they hurt me, tho I must not let them go.
I take this immortality thing seriously and there are rules. If I want to be getting to being young again, there w be sacrifices.
And
Emptying my head of all thought, went against everything I had, was, when I w young. I feel I had a traumatic moment, where I just never stopped thinking all my life, afterwards as a way of soothing myself, feeling that I had been just, abused.
My programming. I guess J commandments are kinda against this programming and that is why my very being, fought so hard to not let myself, into any kind of peace through not thinking too much and why I w battling w myself so much.
I remember people talking at work; and I w feel shame bc I c not listen bc I c not be present enough to hear w they were saying. There w so much bull sh going on in my mind.
When I w on my other antibiotics, I felt like these thoughts w overwhelm me to much that they may end my life. It w all about thought.
My very soul, resisting the change to letting go of this toxicity, I feel. Crazy.
To A Calm Mind
K
Miss K 