Hey

It’s about three pm

It’s been a long day.  I went to a group, and then thought that it wasn’t for me; and left.  It’s been six hours.

I’m hearing people say a lot of evil things.  I feel that that means that I am close to like a better reality.

The reality I have been aiming for, is when I used to feel that w w I w younger.  It just; the amount of evil things that I’m hearing, it just tells me that I’m close, kinda.

I feel this is something that I should celebrate.  Ima not tell myself that it’s gonna happen tho.  I must just wait and see if it does.  That’s the reasoning behind it tho, that good things are happening.

I think there seems to be a cycle

I hear someone say something, and feel scared that it w just awful; and then it kinda opens me to w is going on w people.  I then start to feel that everything is about me.

This in turn, kinda makes people say all kinds of weird sh around me.  It’s like they want my attention, Idk.

And then the next stage is to think that these, all these things, are malicious towards me.

This can then take a very dark turn, and send me into mental illness I feel.

I see this cycle, and it his happening rn, and I wonder w w it w go.

I think it is a good thing that I have spotted it.  Like I say, tho it’s like attention and that everyone, like everywhere, like all my neighbours are fixated on me, holding my existence, when talking around my home; it feels like.

Is this w it feels like to be attractive.

Tbh it w something that I never wanted.  The attention always felt like something that w an extra thing to deal w, when I had mental illness and found things super hard; at the start, when I had just started healing.

The attention seemed to grow the whole time, through that journey and I always wished that it w not so.

I suppose at the point that I may finally be able to deal, it’s not the right time to be questioning something that I hope is kinda mute now.

I must not judge w this is; other than to say that I feel that it is a good thing.

When I w a kid, I just never thought like, everyone’s against me.  Is this some kinda age related disease.  Omg, am I demented.

Is this how my schizophrenia, that I don’t have, is expressing itself; that I am having hallucinations, bc my mind can’t handle the fact, kinda, that I have lost it.  I’m kinda going offline at times.

That w always the holy grail of w I w trying to do here; that when I w young it just felt so effortless, like there w never anything to achieve or figure out.  I just felt secure.

I’m ngl; I w dissociated as f, when I w a kid; tho there w some kinda peace, that I have always been trying to get back to; and like I say, I feel that all that is going on, is bringing that to me; we’ll see.

And yes; it w be nice not to have schizophrenia, this time, going through this cycle; to be free of it this time; the schizophrenia that I don’t have.

To Peace

K