Hey

It’s two pm, I’m having coffee in a bit

I had a group today; it w fun, and a long day.

Deep

I’ve been having these trips, these excursions into a paranoid reality.  I wondered where this reality came from.  C it be narcissism.  I’d have to feel surely sorry for any narcissist, being in this reality, I feel.

It w linked to not judging.  I’d have all these dark thoughts in my head, things I’d have to figure out.  I then realized that it w not intelligence, it w judging; and I let it go.

I kinda feel that that is where this evil reality came from, that it w my mind being used to these trick intelligent thoughts, that had constructed this whole reality.

It’s a bit like the hallucinations that come from smoking marijuana; tho way more evil.

It’s like I’m feeling my emotions come online.  Is there any end to the growth Ima go through; and yet this reality w get me again.

When I’m in it, I am powerless.  It feels like this evil reality is the truth and that there is not true reality to come down into, onto; it’s all there is.

I hear creators on YouTube saying the most evil things, and when I have come down, I realize that there is no way that they c be saying those things; the vibe just won’t allow it.

It starts w me getting triggered like f.  People tend to say a lot of evil things around me; and w that can do is open a portal to that reality.  It’s sad tho it c just be hearing too many nasty things, and it sends me there.

I feel like they were being evil towards me and my thoughts just suck me in, and then I am hallucinating more of the same, until I’m squealing like a pig on the chopping block.

In Other News

The Business

Idk when I get paid; probably soon.  Ima not go there; I realized that not thinking about it rly w my superpower.  It w one of those things that w judgement; and recently realizing that judgement w w had opened this reality to me, I chose to shut it tight and not go there.

It’s very emotionally charged.  I have been working on this business for six years; also I want to be supporting myself and feel like a productive member of society and it has a large impact on my desire for it to work for that reason.  Then there’s my self esteem and that my whole personality and who I am, when I am out and about, is linked to the business.  It has to work for me to be me, to literally carry on w the personality that I have.  I feel that my very self is in jeopardy.  I don’t want to lose me, as it is so much fun being me, being this person; it w be devastating and a collapse into ruins that I feel I c never recover.

That’s even w me saying to myself that Idk whether it w work.  The problem is is that I feel it in my feelings that it is working, it feels like it is.  Should I be wrong about it, it invalidates my feelings and that I feel like such a worthy human being; in theory.

It’s turning me inside out; not knowing whether I am making money from my business.  It may also take like another month, for the metrics to come in, bc it’s on the cusp of the end of the month.  It hurts that I might have to wait this long to find out, at the risk of overthinking it.

It feels like emotional abuse that I have to wait.  Why are there not metrics for this type of things; the whole process smacks of ASBD for the way it works.  I wanna stab the internet with a fork and tell it to leave my hash browns alone.

To Stabbing The Internet W A Fork

K