I just got back, having coffee and smoke. I’ve got about half an hour, before I’ve got to head out again; got the responsibility to make sure that I take my pills before I go.
All my efforts have been geared towards, not worrying about the business. I must not try and make it work, when for all Ik it might be.
I’d better stick some water on for a pot noodle.
I kinda think that getting triggered like f, is w has been dunking me into that reality. Like the more dope I get, the more people are being themselves around me, and the more it feels like a barrage of abuse.
Ik that this reality does not exist. I don’t suppose I’ll be in it many times, before I have hardened to it, and won’t be affected anymore. Having said that, it’s likely that it w get me again, and that w be no joke.
All the time I have been healing, I have found that people just tend to say more and more that Ima not deal w, the healthier I get; and it feels, felt like, they just held me the f back for years. I feel that’s totally normal and just wanna point that out.
It’s about that kid consciousness again. It’s like a reality where people can say whatever the f they want, and it just don’t or didn’t bother me. Like I don’t remember being a kid and feeling like a cry baby over every comment that people made.
Tbh I never remember hearing anything, like the things that people say; stuff like men should just f whoever they are w, or they’re a perv, I feel they said. Tbh I feel that’s indigenous to this town. I digress.
I just never struggled w it. It’s like my brain map w so far out of judgement that I w never judge the things that people said, and never feel triggered by it, bc I never had a problem w it, whatever it was; Idk if that’s true.
It’s just something like that, when I have the health of mind, of a kid, all these triggers and all these excursions into like such a hateful reality, w just not happen bc I w be healthy enough to realize that it’s not about me.
This feels like the final battle and that I am almost there, here.
C that reward even be that good; I feel it can, could. Like kid reality I feel w dope as f; and I’m getting closer to it and realizing more and more that that is right. It can literally be that good that it is worth all this, to get there.
Plus then there is the not small point, that there w be no more triggers. Ima handle everything and it should be like plain sailing like set up for life, not w money, tho emotionally.
I’ll never have to take a trip down this reality rollercoaster and feel like the world is a steaming pile of sh. I’m so done w it and just feel, bring it on, I just want an end to this.
Idk rly care how many times I’m in that reality, I just gotta get this over w, the only way round is through.
Pot Noodle is on. The Amazon man just came w my kitchen roll.
How the hell c this be worth it, like feeling like triggered to f ery, over and over and over again; and like I thought I had reached a point where I w weathering it super well. Like it didn’t seem to be bothering me that much anymore. I c still function and remember w the f I w doing when upset. Then this full on reality came, and I didn’t k what the f I w doing. This hurt so f bad, there w nothing else like it. I felt like I w be buried in the centre of the earth, forever, for being so f worthless, I felt. I have never been so scared, apart from one time in my life, when I thought I w gonna die.
And yet I just want more of this, so that I can get over the change that I am hoping for. It’s crazy. Like I say, I thought I had things getting better and then blammo, just things went to sh.
To The Prize
K
Miss K 