Hey

It’s midnight, I have my coffee

I felt like I w gonna die today; it’s kinda scary.  It’s a new feeling, and I’m kinda concerned.  I have hallucinations that tell me I’m gonna.  I’m scared that it’s my medication that’s doing it and that I’ve been on it too long.  Last time I came off it, I went nuts.  It c have been tho that I had an infection.

I see my psychiatrist soon.  I’m scared that she w want me off it, tho I feel I must do as she says; I rly want to too.  It feels like there is danger tho.

I remember the days when a doctor told me, that it might be best to just stay on it, bc it w be safer.  Now I don’t have schizophrenia to there’s rly no reason.

I’m scared that my life is coming to an end, and rly want to get off it, so that Ima enjoy what’s left.  There’s this shame that I should be living longer than this and that people w think less of me, I feel.

I have felt like Ima die, ever since I w attacked.  I hope that it is bc I am healing from the trauma.  It’s not pretty.

Again, the business is on hold.  I feel I mustn’t look for new offers.  That doesn’t stop me thinking tho, of w Ima do next.  I thought maybe look at digital products and try and find one that is super good and has people saying great things about it; a lot.

I just wanna market what’s good.  I want it to fly off the shelves.  Commissions tend to be super high as well.  Tho like I say, I must put this offer to bed first and get money coming in from it.

It may be a case of marketing in this country; to get the money coming in; then Ima move onto it.  I need to keep my income coming in and w need to do this for the rest of my life.  It’s my vocation now.  I chose it, and must make it work.  Be careful w you wish for.

Kinda scary tho it’s okay I guess.  A lot of rich people lose all their money.  I must also get through this challenge of making some and then making some more.  I have Forex Trading to put the money into.  I makes sixty percent a year, w c provide me an income until I get something else going.

I mustn’t mix my incomes tho.  Rly I must stick w the affiliate marketing and continue to work on it, until I have that second offer.  That’s probably why I should get working on it as soon as the money starts to come in.  I don’t need the distraction of forex trading, when I should rly be doing something else.

I have the next thing I wanna work on w is super fortunate for me.  It’s a subscription service, w means that it may make enough to cover the cost of ads.  W email marketing, it’s an easy way to make money, tho I don’t want to do it that way, bc I don’t like getting marketing emails.  Things have worked out rly well for me tho, w my current offer, bc of how well my ad is performing; so Ik that there is money to be made at this, if I do it right; that helps.  It’s all about mindset and I must always believe in myself

My self esteem is good atm.  It has risen for a while now.  Idk how it got so high, w|o me having an income.  I just started feeling like a player, it w rly weird.  It rose steadily, right up till the point where it looked like the money w come, like my energy knew my likelihood of success.

I now have a vocation; something I’m good at and that feels good.  Idk why I have to be good at something to feel self esteem tho it’s okay by me.  I suppose it’s art and that’s why it feels this way.  It kinda feels like a cheat and that I haven’t rly done much learning; tho the talent it comes from w|i.  I have raised my self esteem through J’s commandments, and that has allowed me the ability to create the way I do.

It’s a vocation that doesn’t require much time spent working on it, tho the difficulty is right up there w forms of art, I feel; and I guess my self esteem comes from knowing that.

It sits well w me, I like doing it.  I love it.  It feels good to k, that I do something that is like one of those things that people generally feel that they c not do it no way.  I went after it just feeling that anyone can, similar to the truth that anyone can sing.

I w lucky bc I w able to do it for permitted work, and learned it while being supported.  I’m so glad that I invested in myself like that.  I always felt like the support w stop, and that I wouldn’t have the ability to work, and that kinda scared me.  It gave me a feeling of security and gave me faith for recovering from my illness.  Idk if I w have been able to, had I not been able to see a way through.

Things are going well atm and the main concern of mine, like I say, is feeling like Ima die a lot.  Tho for life, as apposed to death, things are okay, and I’m making headway.  No one can control that and Ima just concentrate on life and doing the best that I can.  I’m rly doing well.

Drugs set me back a lot and I feel that w bc I had no boundaries and probably w quite toxic, coming from an antisocial background, I feel.  I had problems finding people who were safe, I feel.  I made it through; it w hard.

Giving it, them, up, w difficult, and I prayed to J, every time I felt like I needed them, w to my astonishment, actually worked; and that w that problem out of the way; plus, I lost my phone number to a stalker and that helped me to not get any calls from people I felt were trying to send me under again; feels so evil looking back.

It w a way of life that brought thieves and w no bueno.  That’s my main reason for giving all that up w the kinds of people it brought, I feel.  I just wanted to feel safe.

Now I have people in my life who feel healthy.  I feel like I am in no danger from them.  I must stick to them until I have friends who I feel close to.  Idk how that’s gonna happen.  My state of mind is super young; I kinda ask myself who w wanna f with me; I feel I’m too different to every living person.

I mustn’t feel that Ima die bc there is just not a match for me in this life.  J says life is for the living, and I must feel confident of that and that I w find my way, and that staying alive is the purpose of life, and the way to live it; I must feel secure in that.  I don’t feel that G w w anyone to die, that it’s against everything.  That gives me faith that things w work out.  Just bc I can’t see a way, doesn’t mean there isn’t one.  I never saw me recovering from schizophrenia, tho it happened.  I never saw me w the self esteem that I have and being a dope person after all the sh I’ve been through, tho here I am.

That has taught me one thing, to never look forward and doubt; miracles do happen; especially for someone following J’s commandments, and by someone I mean me.

If the worst does happen, at least I saw this kind of self esteem.  I’ve never been this person all my life, perhaps due to my social connections lowering it, Idk; and I rly value that I got here.  It’s made life worthwhile, as opposed to feeling dead inside for thirty years.

J literally brought me to life.  I w point that out to anyone wishing to go down that, this road.  There’s no way of imagining or holding the miracle at that early stage, tho from my story Ik that it is there, just waiting.

If I c tell anyone anything, is that healing is just waiting to happen, it is there, I feel.  I remember at the beginning when Idk that.  It hurt like f and w have loved someone to tell me, w complete faith.  Better late than never.

To Healing And Self Esteem

K