Hey

I slipped on my ass today.  It’s two pm, I’m having coffee soon

It w icy as f.  I w lucky as sh, to not get dirt all over my white Jacquard Joggers, I still can’t get over it.  My hand went in the mud, and Idek how I got it off w|o getting it all over me.  My trainers never got touched, neither did the cuff of my mud hand.

It w right on the hill of where I wanna live.  My psychopathy says that that’s w I get for having the self esteem to feel like I belong there.  That w hard to ignore, tho my empathy made quick work of reassuring me.

It w sunny today, something that is very nice, once in a while.  I had the best time down Ferry Meadows; also I saw a lot of Americans today; w w weird.  I definitely resonate w them a lot, I feel, even tho I have never spoke to any of them.  I just feel like an American and kinda identify as one.

It’s funny that I should go there rn, bc my ads only hit in America, here they did nothing, literally nothing, not even one click.  It w crazy, to quote MeowBuffy.

I ran another campaign, on realizing that I had a broken link.  It kinda reassured me, bc Ik that it c well be w has been causing my problems.  That kinda scares the sh out of me, in and of itself.  The thought of all this working is a lot.

I had just kinda gotten out of this bull sh reality that I w in; having visited it this morning, kinda, and it w not nice.  I just need things calmed down, I need things stable; please no change rn.

Luckily I don’t have the cash to run a campaign.  My ads cost a little more than I w expecting, and I just haven’t got the money rn.  I feel like just running this tester campaign a little more, just so I find out whether people are buying.

Then I c rly.. yk, I don’t like saying this, I rly want to just wait a while and let things calm down; tho what if I run the campaign and make some money.  My self compassion is there now and I w be able to be kind to myself in the way that I need to; I hope.  Like I say, it scares the sh out of me.

This is no longer a competition to make sure that I am allowed, the self esteem that I have, to gain more.  It’s about not allowing myself to just get overwhelmed and mentally ill again.

I feel like I’m always trying to make out that I have it down, and the truth is is that I’m struggling hard.  I am being myself tho, tho it’s not rly socially acceptable for me to say how much Ima not deal, how scared I am from the experience that I went through.

We are lowering my medication again, and I just am in fear for my life, Ima be honest; like she w say tough, I’m lowering it and not like let me go back up again, should I lose my f mind; and then I w relapse and c die I feel; or something like that, I just don’t need the stress of f with all that.  Like I say, I just want things to be chill.

I guess this is me complaining about millions; Idk.  Like I have to run it in the States.  That means I have five million reach a month.  That’s fifty thousand conversions.  Saying it like that just.. the numbers seem astronomical.  It looks like I w be so loaded Idek.  They say be careful w you wish for.

I’m thinking Ima turn up the heat under this pot, and put it all in Forex

I feel like my destiny is to be here to create new technologies.  I see myself just being like a consultant for companies working on sh; a bit like Adrian Monk.

Ima totally stop this, Ima not think about my future, rn it’s a lot; anything low key.

Okay, so my focus is keeping things on the low as much as possible.  Ima try and keep my life the same as much as I can.  I guess Ima do that.  Thinking things through, nothing has to change.  I’ve gotten to love my routine; my clubs and my walks.  I’ll be able to go Maccy D’s a bit, w w be nice.  I rly appreciate the staff there after them asking me if I w alright after some homophobic talk.

I have come to realize that I never k, if what I’m hearing is w I’m hearing.  It doesn’t matter if I have hallucinations at the time, I can never be sure.

I feel that my mind has leveled up a ton, also my awareness of people has also gone into orbit w me understanding them at a level that an adult w, almost.  I just want to make it work, and I feel the way to do that, is to just understand them even more, so that Ik whether they w be saying the things that I am hearing, coming out of their mouths.  I guess it’s just hold on tight for the ride.

To The Ride

K