Hey

It’s one pm, I have my coffee

I had to do it; J’s commandments told me to.  He says, do not throw your pearls to swine, lest they turn and rend you.

Backstory

I w getting kinda annoyed w homeless people; it felt like they were singling me out and asking only me for money; bc I w being asked so much.

I realized that I had started to give them a lot, and this realization led to today.  I ignored a homeless person.  It w the first time that I had done so, kinda.

Then everything made sense, that they probably only wanted it for drugs, and that why should I fit the bill for all their expenses, when there are thousands of people in this town.

Then the craziest thing happened.  People cycling past me couldn’t get away w giving me uncomfortable looks, I felt.  It felt like standing up for myself had done that.  Were they taking advantage of me by looking at me like that.  Were they trying to size me up for using me in some kinda of way.  It feels like it.

And then it hit me.  Say someone w ASBD totally breaks through someone’s boundaries.  Ik that every single person that person comes into contact w, who is a user, w take advantage of that and try and break that person down more; subconsciously or consciously, I feel.

I wondered if this c have been me, my whole life; and then just found it so hard to stand up to people, bc there w so much pressure from users to stay soft; that I couldn’t rly properly get back up.  It’s a horrid thought, tho luckily it’s in the past.

There w just so much that suddenly made sense, and that it also made sense that G w not want me to do that.

In Other News

I went to Town and downloaded ChatGPT.  I may even be able to use it, bc maybe I have a free subscription, Idk.

I thought about being wrapped.  It’s horrid in my mind how a family member I feel abused me, blurted out that she had wrapped me.  It w cold as ice, I felt.  Who c gloat over something like that, I felt.

The point is.. and there’s a lot to this..

All these feelings of being buried in the centre of the Earth, c be the feelings that I felt when I w wrapped by her, I feel.  That death w imminent and that I had deserved it, and that meant that I w completely worthless, I may have felt.

This matches how I am feeling recently, and the terror I went through; just the belief that I don’t deserve to have anything in life, and that I don’t even deserve to be here, I felt.  It all makes sense from a babies point of view on being wrapped, suffocated for the first time.

They w be lumbered w the feeling that they w never have anything in life; ever, and w be coming to terms w that; probably where all the shame comes from in someone suffering from extreme inability to feel emotions; and by that person I mean me, I feel.

I guess all this came to me after standing up to that person.

And I w sitting there thinking fear over this, and it’d only make me the same as every other person literally all people, bc they don’t let others take advantage of them.  If they do then they are not gonna last very long.

That’s probably where all the stress w coming from.  All these uncomfortable looks from people on the way to Town.  Every one c have been a threat of someone trying to rope me into something; me only just avoiding it by having confidence; tho no boundaries.  It frightens the sh out of me, tbh.

To Boundaries

K