Hey

It’s one thirty pm, I’m putting coffee on.

I’m still scared the business won’t work, even tho my ads look like they are almost going viral.  This says a lot about mindset; that this is as good as it gets.  I’m able to tell myself that people who do this, are people just like me.  I’m able to say that the longer I stick w it, the more likely it w be, to work; tho I feel this fear is totally normal, and unavoidable.  Tbh it doesn’t bother me.

I’m still able to walk around like a serious player; that’s all that matters to me.  W that going on, w w I c whether the business works or not, bc it feels like it already has.

Money in and of itself is worth nothing.  It doesn’t do anything for me.  I have food, I have shelter, I have friends.

I’m kinda telling myself, is it okay to not c whether it works.  Obs I want it to work, tho, yk.

There are the pressures of life.  There is the need for some kinda income at some point.  Tho why panic, I feel.  My friend told me, never panic, nothing good ever comes of it

I feel that that’s why most people want money; for the safety, for the security; more than to be able to show off and act like di.

People become more real to me every day.  I also become more aware that I need boundaries towards them, or they w push me down, so that literally anyone c take advantage of me.  It sad rly that people do that.

I suppose we live in a world of greed; emotional and financial, I feel.  There’s power also.  Then there’s people trying to change the narrative so that it is easier for them to take advantage of people sexually, on mass, I feel; Idk.

It seems that want, leaves me feeling lacking, and that feeling is all that has value.

I have been searching for feeling, ever since I lost it when I w a teen; always wanting to go back to it; and I have, for the most part; inching closer every day, instead of getting and going, further away from it.

There’s a lot of comfort in that; pretty much tells, me that there is nothing, to worry about in life.  When I have feeling, Ik that I have something.  Like I say, when I walk w my head high, among people who a narcissist w consider to be higher than me on the pecking order of things, it just feels like everything I c want; it feels like I respect myself and am not about to suck up or cow tao to them.

Ik damn well, that they are not better than me, and for all Ik, they feel that way too.  Tbh that is the message I have been feeling from them.

Tho like I say, feeling I have value, doesn’t mean that the business w work; it doesn’t mean that it won’t either.

This is all irrelevant tho.  W matter to me is connection.  Yes that w give me the feelings inside that matter to me; tho w I want, is to just be able to handle being around people, and have like, this connection to them bc of that.  I pretty much feel that that has happened and that is where I am rn.

It just needs the passage of time, so that I have had that for a while and feel secure in that; to feel belonging.

Trans w hard, not k if people w accept me; w I always be on the outside; scary.  I don’t think I’m trans, just female tho.  This fills a hole, it does.  If I came from an extremely antisocial background, then I have already won; and it kinda feels like it.

To Belonging

K