Hey

It’s about eleven pm

It’s hard.  My ads aren’t coming through to my website, I feel; bc of needing to complete Advertiser Verification.  It’s kinda turning me inside out; a little

I’ll have to wait a month, until I have enough money for the passport for my ID.  Yk what, Ima not even think about this, bc it’ll take another six weeks, beyond that.  F this.

I’m dead in the water w|o a paddle

On the upside, found another club to go to.  I didn’t get to go this week, so I’ll be starting next.

This means that I have to get a job, I feel.  It’s been something that I’ve been wanting to do for years; I’ve just never had the emotional bandwidth for it.  It’s got to be the most taxing thing anyone a do.  I’m going there on Sun.

I thought that it c be the absolute worst, thing that anyone a do, for people just moaning the f out of me; tho I don’t think it w be like that; I don’t k how to explain it.  People be like in the most emotional pain possible, tho I feel that they w be trying their hardest to not suck the energy out of me; it’s rly quite profound, that they w be the kindest I have ever met; so tragic that it is these people who end up this way.  It is my duty to help them

If anyone gets verbally abusive, the phone is going down on them.  This is the point; I don’t feel that nasty people end up in this situation in the first place.  We’re all walking on the bones of angels, I feel.

They are so alive that they can’t bear being alive, I feel; the irony is a lot to hold.  It’s a privilege to listen to their agony; like I say, the whole time doing their utmost to not encroach onto my peace of mind.  It makes me want to cry.

In Other News

I feel that I’ve reached immortality.  I look in the mirror and it’s just right there.

I felt today like people were just sucking the life force out of me; robbing heaven.  It w crazy bc it w followed w the most dignified feeling, almost regal.  How the two c be connected, Idk.

So, people wanna suck that feeling out of me, it is quite precious, unaware of how I’m feeling inside and that I don’t have anything to give; out of selfishness, they don’t care, I feel.

I touched on before, how recovery is hard; bc of people w crippled self esteem not being able to handle being around someone who is on that journey of recovery, I feel; that they tend to just let all the toxicity out and it spills onto them, scorching them.  My heart goes out to anyone on this path.

I remember watching everyone, feeling that they all were not right in the head; feels threatening that people feel so toxic, scary.  I feel that’s just being an adult.

There are two distinct realities; the one I felt when I w younger, this utopian vibe; and the one I feel now, where it’s hell on Earth.  Ima not reconcile the two.  The truth lies somewhere in between.

I just spend every day getting younger, watching them all wither; it’s hard, I feel; the vibes just coming month on month, for the reality I want to be in; closer, closer, filling my mind w the feels, giving me reassurance that I am heading in the right direction; that it is there and that it is approaching w a sense of complete surety.

They have all chosen destruction.  I am on a different path; it’s lonely.

To Loneliness

K