Hey

It’s about two pm, I’m having coffee soon

I thought about thought.  That I w hurting myself when I thought that I had done something wrong.  The solution w to not think.

Then I thought about whether the thoughts generally that I’m thinking are necessary, and that probably they weren’t.

I have this before, after my club on Mon; that I have decided to not think all the way home.

In Other News

I thought about going into a new agency.  I’m still discombobulated after my gaslighting yesterday so I want my mind to clear first.

I must double down on not judging people.  For example the ladies who I feel, tried to make me out to be completely unemployable.  That means just holding that my answer to their offer is no, and not deem them to be any kinda way or having treated me any kinda way, tho not holding that they didn’t either.

There w someone that I cycled past this morning.  I feel that I got leered at the whole way he rode past me.  I had to not judge.  Ik that if I judged him as being worthless in some kinda way, I w then feel wholly like I w the worthless one; and feel it in my bones.  That is the worst feeling ever and I chose to avoid it.

I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.

I mean, what are my options; feel triggered pretty much and just deal, bc judging w like I say, have that devastating effect on my self esteem; on top of the trigger.

Yes, it just makes things worse, and sadly that is my only choice.

I guess it’s just accepting, finally, that people do get to hurt me.

I thought about my options.. c I say anything.  The commandment about, do not resist an evil person is relevant here.  He well c have been.  He c have been a rapist.  It says to let him slap me on the face and offer him the other cheek.  I took his crap, I felt; check.

The other possibility is that he w just looking at me some other kinda way.  If so, then it is still right for me to do nothing.

Like I say, it’s hard to accept that people get to hurt me, I feel; tho J’s commandments seem to clearly state that that is w I should do.

Boundaries are relevant here.  I had to stop giving to homeless people; and I had to say no to the offer from those two ladies.  I feel I have to be very sparing w my boundaries.  It’s hard walking such a thin line, ngl.

I think about my looks and people who have lost them.  I feel that this is bc of reaching a point where they just feel that they deserve to be treated better, and going too far.  That scares me, that I am right at the point where I c lose them.

Ik that my self esteem w be lost then, and my life w just get so much more unpleasant.  It doesn’t bear thinking about.

Then there’s the whole awareness that I am only on this journey as long as I follow the commandments.  I feel that w stop me, and that I w never pick it up again.

I can’t allow myself to be stopped, as my goal is youth.  I must see this through until that happens, be totally committed.

I rly see it as people continue down this path until they don’t; and they all have stopped at some point and gone no further; probably due to the exact scenario that I fear.

That’s straying dangerously onto the territory of judgement and I must stop there.

To Continuing On This Path

K