Hey

It’s three pm, I w be having coffee soon

Idk who I’ve turned into; a whole new person.

I just rung HMRC tho got no help.

I’ve got to register for VAT, to be able to join my affiliate network.  Problem is is that I w doing it and it w impossible to answer question.  It w literally a trick question.

He started by gaslighting me, I felt I caught that.  Then he told me that, I w through to the wrong department.

I’ve also gots to apply for a passport; w may involve going through the same ID sh.

I went to a club tho w told that I needed to join a wait list.

I’ve learnt to type completely wrong, bc of trying to show off or be grandiose or something.  I need to one hundo learn to type all over again.  It’s the only way to fix my slow typing.

It gives me hope that Ima learn how to do things properly again, after abuse, I feel; and hope that my memory w start to work properly.

Then there’s my emotions also.  I need to start feeling them in a full way.

I still don’t k if where I came from w abuse.  I am scared sh, to go back, for fear of my mind stop functioning properly, bc of being around them and stop feeling my emotions at all.  Basically it’s a living death.

The book the emotionally absent mother, also says that people who have been through that.. they feel like they’re gonna die a lot, or something like that.  I do.

Kinda scared that everything’s gonna fit, and it shuts that door for good.  It has already broken my heart.  At least Iwk that I did it for good reason.

That’s depressing as f.

It feels like I’m picking up the pieces of a broken life; c this rly be w is going on.  That scares the sh out of me, w if it is.

The funny thing is is that.. when I realise that it w.. my life w be fixed and it w be too late for it to benefit me from the point of view of, knowing that for my own good I need to stay away, I feel.

I feel that’s so tragic.. that people have to go through just not knowing if they are being the evil one, keeping away from it all; and by people, I mean me.

It just seems so wrong, that a victim of such abuse w have to feel that way, it makes my skin crawl.

That’s the very nature of being damaged by it, that the person can’t tell healthy and unhealthy behaviour.  That is bc the emotions are shut down, I feel.

I feel that, the way to spot abuse.. is that the person w lead in, off, w making the person feel absolutely sh about themselves, when they need to show them a boundary.  I’m starting to see a pattern in that.

I guess it comes from insecure attachment, bc they feel that they w have to force the person to desist in what they are asking for.  I hate being on the wrong end of that; kinda makes me feel one hundo worthless, and that’s not a small thing to say.

And in the same breath, I just feel so much self esteem.  How can this be possible.  It’s like pointing that out just fixes it, Idk.

I feel very positive about the business, and I don’t even have to try to feel that.  Just so lit up w going for the passport and doing all the sh.

To Doing All The Sh

K

Coffee Time