Hey

It’s ten am, I have my coffee

I have the repair men today, to fit the boiler flue.  The scaffolders are here.  I had to tell him where to put it up.

The ad is running now.  I suppose Ima just leave it a week.  It takes that long to get started.

I have noticed the little words that people throw into sentences again.  I am stable this time, Ima handle it.  It is a lot tho.

I started noticing it on my ASMR videos.  There are two more creators, that I wanna watch, and I watched like a few seconds and Ima tell, that they are girls who do it.

I have saved them to my Watch Later, bc I just wanna make sure that I have the emotional bandwidth to be into that.

I feel this is all good, when it comes to coming off my medication, me being able to handle it and stay stable.  It’s a huge step.  I’m hoping to lower it to 1mg in the spring.

I.. felt that everyone w evil.  This comes at the time of noticing again, these words.  This didn’t work for me tho; probably bc it meant I w judging them.  It made me feel bad, feeling that they were like that.

Then when I stopped, everything just became nice again.  I remembered this and told myself that I should never judge people.

Not judging people w something that I had been trying my best at, for like six years.  I’m not surprised that things only continued to be pleasant, when I stuck w that.

There’s the challenge of when people are saying all these things around me, that are against someone.  I stop myself from feeling that they are talking about me, by not judging them, like I say.  It’s a rly powerful method of dealing and I rly need it.

I’m rly just not zweebing and seeing where it takes me, just having faith that things are gonna work out.

I may be attending therapy soon.  I have a session to see if it is for me.  I’ve had therapy before and found that it is good, and that I liked it.

People say that therapy is painful, tho personally this has not been my experience.

I have kinda been wary of therapy, bc I felt that someone urged me to judge the f out of people as a way of healing from trauma.  I just want to maintain my autonomy of who I am as a person, my control of who I am and how I deal.

I am reminding myself that if I judge people to be evil, then I am, I feel.  Maybe I w do well w therapy so that I stop seeing people this way, Idk.

I am aware that I have to stick w the people I am hanging out w.  I have come into this awareness that they put these single words into sentences and I guess it w be best that I just accept them as they are and deal.

I just feel that Ima start noticing this more and more, and have to adapt psychologically along w it.

Being totally vulnerable, I need to deal w it better and not see them as evil when they do it, and feel safe around them; that’s my goal.

I need to realise that nothing has changed, not me not them, and there actually is nothing new to deal w, bc I am living in the same world that I have always been in.  My awareness of it changes nothing, I feel, kinda

To Becoming More Aware

K