Hey

It’s one thirty pm, I’ve had coke.

I feel that, not thinking is rly important for my mental health rn.  I wanna give it another go, coming down off the pills.  It rly just happened bc I wasn’t worried about it.  Idc.

In Other News

I’ve managed to find a way, to resize an image I got off the internet.  It has an Alpha Channel, w I wanna keep, tho I lose it.  I AI’d how to do this.  It w allow the image to retain its transparency on my page.  I’ll use it for two of the images.

I’ve got three image prompts today, so I’ll be using two of them, and using the third for my bottom of the page image.  I must check if my ads are running and pause them.

I may have been hallucinating last night, I w hearing my neighbour saying horrendous things about me.  At first I had a rationale around it.  If I imagine that I w imagining it, then it w anxiety, bc when anxious, someone knows this.  When schizophrenic tho, the person doesn’t know that it is not real.  I w on the fence so went for anxiety.  Later I realised that not judging whether it w real or not, w even higher, bc it’s one of J’s commandments, and pivoted.

I feel like a kid, coming home from school for lunch, at the end of the day.  I smelt this cooking and it w so nice and imagined walking in if that w my home, and having a family.  It w a nice feeling.

I used to walk in at four and have fourzies.

These commandments rly seem to be doing something.  They are actually making me feel young now.  I feel the feelings growing in my mind; getting stronger and feeling that soon I w be feeling them in full and ergo be young.

This is huge progress.  I remember when I used to watch doll.  I felt like I w young and w handling like such youth.  It w such a challenge tho I dealt.  I liked it.

Now doll is no challenge at all, and neither is anything else I watch.  I feel myself moving forward and have full faith that I w have my goal.

I w thinking about the utopian vibe.  When I just calm my mind, Ima kinda feel it; tho it is not that strong and I look forward to stepping into it more every month.  Tbh, as a kid, I never felt it that often, tho I liked it.

It’s no longer this thing that is so grandiose that Ima barely deal.  It’s just being a kid again.  There’s nothing to it.

I w get there, by just following the commandments; every day, not worrying and not judging and being humble and all the others, I hope, I feel.

This is now my highest goal, not wanting to live somewhere nice.  My feelings in this town, get better and better, and rly it doesn’t leave much to want, other than just continuing for that to happen.  Being young is my goal; the business doesn’t even matter, it’s just an income.

Obs I wanna make it work and I like it a lot and the satisfaction from learning something.

It’s a funny way to say it, bc I’m not actually learning something, I’m just unlocking my creativity so that when I put it all together, it just works; my self esteem, my confidence, my talent.  That’s why I like it.

I like my identity as someone who does this and the successes I’ve had like my ad.

To The Road To Youth

K