Hey

I want to lower my medication.

I spoke to my psychiatrist in Nottingham; and he said that he has helped loads of people come off of it.

He says that it’s important to do it in the spring.

This is my only window of opportunity and I don’t want to lose or blow it.

I remember when I got out of prison; and I had no longer got the schizophrenia.  The second I got out it had gone; completely.

Then they gave me medication and f me up, I feel.

That rly is the main reason I want to come off it; bc I feel it is evil.

I w rather that they care for people w mental illness and meet their needs than give them something that f them up.

That sh has a black box warning for a reason.

The world feels evil to me rn.

J says hate the world; and love the world.  I feel I’m there.

I called a couple of n’as racist today.  I feel they were saying that all they were were n’as.

I am undergoing neuron therapy as of yesterday.  I am taking Curcumin in hopes of doubling the amount of neurons I have.  I fell asleep before I c take the second dose tho.

J’s commandments are rly the only thing that is cool about life.

I feel alone.  I feel that no one w fw me.  I guess it’s okay that I have joined groups just so that I c be around people.

I have one friend.  I ring her a couple times a week.  I need someone who also follows J’s commandments.

It feels like being a vampire; like they w all get old and die and I won’t; and therefore there isn’t much point fw them; as also there is a wisdom that doesn’t sit well w them.

I am lucky that G supports me in following them.  I w say that the world does tho I’m not rly sure that this is true.

If it does it is only bc J came two thousand years ago and laid the groundwork.

I understand that there is only one thing that is important for me in life and that is to follow his commandments.

I w like to k that they come from him tho alls Ik is that they are dope af.

There is a lot of waiting; like I w hope and hope and hope that they w help w my mental illness, my anxiety.  This took a long time.

They helped w this and this gave me the motivation to continue w them.

Now it is the wisdom that I now have, that keeps me going, the way I see the world as highly misguided.

Idk if I am here for the world; for the most part it feels like the world has rejected him.

It took someone who w highly f up and gave me my sanity back.

I guess I love J and this keeps me going as well; tho I have what they have done to me, and I must heal from that also.

Ik I am only as good as the humility that I have.

I am trying to sing Bebe Rexa’s Heart Wants What It Wants.  I like to sing for people.  I like to have something to pipe out when I am out.

I feel my face changing.  I feel my nose getting smaller.  Did I say that I feel I have a womb; and that I wlt get my doctors to check that out.

I thought I heard my doctors tell me that I have one.  I’m not sure if I heard her right.

This is not about gender for me.  I’m not into the war of men versus women, nor developing country naturalised people against snow people.

That’s why I want twice the neurons.  I remember feeling whole w~o judging.  I feel like it just never entered my head to be bigoted against anyone; bar the judgements I had bc of coming from an abusive family, I feel.

I need that strength.  I need that strength against judging.  I don’t like it.  I want to be stronger and for it not to entice me in.

I feel that it is a constant threat, always trying to tempt me.

I remember thinking, well w w it be like to not judge, surely that w make me stupid.  Well it hasn’t; and not judging is the sweetest thing that life has to offer, I kid you not.

I also see racism around me and want them to come w.  I just wish they w use the tools I use to see past it.  Ik that they are trying to figure it out and that they don’t want to be having unfair thoughts about anyone.

It pains me to see that.  I w just say, don’t be racist and it w all become clear.  It takes time tho it w come.

I just want them to have w I have.  I hope they get there; and racism still affects me, yes it does; tho it is so sweet for the most part to be free of it.

To Not Being Racist

Kirsty