Hey

I am down Ferry Meadows.  I had my Coke, and now I’m having my beer.  The sun is shining and there’s like this vibe down here.  It’s a bit like Kew Gardens or something.

It’s ever so windy tho the sun is keeping me warm.

I went to bowling this morning, and then I tidied up my cupboard.  I have lots of jars that need to be thrown away.

I’m trying to make space so that I have room to put everything, that w lead to me being able to put everything away and have it neat freak tidy.

I haven’t checked on the business yet.  It is possible that I have an ad for a price that w mean profitability, Idk.

Rly what I need to do is can all my other ads and just run the one I am doing.  It may be profitable with a landing page; so rly I must run it and see whether I make any money.

I w grossly underestimating myself, worrying about the business.  It’s just a case of finding cheap keywords to run ads from.  There are absolutely plenty.  The keyword planner is full of them.

The only problem is that Google has labelled all the keywords w the wrong price, so it’s pot luck whether I find a cheap one.

This means picking an offer and just running all the competitors to see how cheap they come out.  Hopefully one of them w be okay.  That’s enough about the business.

As it’s windy again, I’m having trouble keeping my beer upright.  I don’t plan to stay for long, just drink my beer and go home.

I felt lonely when I went home.  I just sat and sat w the feeling.  I w thinking it w be nice should I make friends at bowling or somewhere.

I have seemed to make on friend everywhere I have been.  I suppose that acquaintances turn to friendships sometimes.

My friend is ringing me tonight and that w be nice.

I sat w these feelings for a bit and thought about that, and soon I felt better.

I felt like I w waiting for someone to hand me me.  They need to give me the part of me that I am missing, the part that makes me feel so lonely.

I thought that the business w allow me to talk to people and soon make friends.  This is becoming more and a more of a reality; and this is not bc of the business, it’s bc my energy is just riding so high that I am more of a match for the people I am around.

I feel myself nearly wanting to talk to people, and yes, it’s me who doesn’t want to talk to them.

I find people super attractive tho don’t want to bother them.  I even thought that this girl w coming back in my direction so’s to talk to me, tho I just wanted a friend and wasn’t looking for sex only.   I felt that that w what she wanted.  I c have been totally wrong.

I just feel that this is telling me that I am getting closer.

I realise that the people I so clubs with are absolutely the people I wanna fw.  This is bc they are safe people.  Should I premeditate that I want to find people who are more of a match, I w find that I w be connecting w abusive people who just are a bad influence on me.

I must hold tight to the people I am with and never let them go, and people who are more my age group w totally come along sooner or later.

I love my clubs and just need one more to do a week.  I lost Petanqué and need something else.

At least my flat is getting tidier.  It is more of a pleasant place to live and it has actually boosted my self esteem a lot and could be the reason why I feel better all the time; why I value myself so much more now, as like a human, that I feel that I have more worth.

I used to see myself as utterly worthless, and I am slowly stepping out of that reality and it is so nice to just feel like I am a worthy human being.

I realise also that a lot of dysfunctional behaviour comes from shame as well, if not all dysfunctional behaviour.

I don’t want to be saying f up sh to people, so it’s good that this shame is going away.  It just allows me to be more comfortable w people.  I don’t like rip up bc I feel so worthless w w happening a lot.

I w just rip up, and have an anxiety attack purely based on the feeling that I w worthless and didn’t deserve to be around them; sad, Ik.

There’s just no need for a human being to hate themselves so much.

I feel all this comes from having a mother w ASBD.  I feel she suffocated me as a baby, she devalued me one time saying, rapped him.  I think that it what she used to call it.  I feel that she is a very sick woman.

I feel that all my feelings of non existent worth stem back to her.  She is no longer with me and it is right for me to forget the lack of value I feel she placed on me.

It rly no longer matters what she thinks as she has no control over me anymore.  I don’t want to know.