I had a nice beer yesterday. On the way home, I fell and hurt my ankle. I’ll have to be careful on it today, and make sure that I don’t walk too fast.
I had a conversation with my friend about relapse and how I’ve been feeling. She thinks I’ll be okay. I told her that the way Ima deal, is by keeping my anxiety down.
I got my prescription for my higher dosage, w is there, should I need it, two weeks worth.
My friend told me not to take it tho as I need to get used to the dosage that I’m on. It w be good to come off that black box sh’.
Not judging is still super hard. It is the purpose of empathy to see w is w w people’s behaviour, and then, of course comes judging.
I watched the first episode of the second series of Wednesday, last night. I love Wednesday so much.
I can’t wait for the next series of Outer Banks. Ik that Jayce will come alive bc he made a wish when he had the blue crown, that they would all be back safe at PogueLandia.
The feeling that people were tying to cozy up to me, has stopped. I honestly thought that it w never go away and I w break.
I still move a lot on the bus, bc I don’t like the feeling that people are posing, constantly moving their head in every which direction. It feels like they are saying, look at me look at this, and now I’m looking at that.
I mustn’t judge them; just like this guy who crossed the road, walked right next to me and said, you upset my brother, and then asked me the time.
People do that here. They, right at the moment they are close to me af, say something that is pi’ them off atm. It sounds like they are abusing me tho it is just the culture.
I remember thinking, oh boy, that’s anther thing Ima have to deal w, when they started doing it. It’s rly nicer problems to have, I guess.
It’s about internal pain. I have to keep my internal pain down, to keep healthy. It’s what causes mental illness. Judging and worrying cause this, and bi’ about stuff w rl venom. I’ve stopped that as well. It just leads to a cycle of bi’ about every little thing that happens, till I’m upset.
The psychologists say to feel my feelings, tho if I feel my anger and bi’ about every little thing, I, like I say end up actually super duper angry. It makes it grow, it doesn’t make it go away.
I don’t like cognitive restructuring either. It just feels like gaslighting to me.
One thing I do like is grounding techniques, and they helped me a lot. In fact, I went from top tier emotional agony, to existing w|o it, just from using them.
I’ve got croquet today. It’s super important to make sure that I am around people, as it helps me to come down off of feeling like everyone is evil. It chills me the f out quite nicely. I don’t even feel scared when I walk the streets afterwards.
And this thing w this guy who said, you upset my brother, helped me, bc when in a situation w someone who feels like they are a danger, it just helps to see them as a person.
That is how I hope to just chill the f out, seeing people as people, and not needing to worry about what they might do. I remember when I w young, and I never ever worried about not being safe. I’m just trying to get back to that.
It comes through presence rly, and not judging people to the point, where everything they say is some kind of insult. That is a world that seems more scary; bc it seems like a big conspiracy to f w my head and rly hurt me, like the world is truly evil.
That’s rly what this, I felt w neediness felt like, like they were all trying to use the life that w inside of me, take it from me, and not care if I had a relapse for a moment of feeling that light. It w horrible, and felt so exquisitely selfish that I w left aghast.
It w also quite a trip, and one hundo better than a roller coaster. I remember being sat on the grass, thinking boy that w fun.
To Reality In All It’s Forms
K
Miss K 