Had a good day today; at knit and natter; and then shopping on the way home, and I little bit of cleaning when I got back.
I walked past the school and c feel all their feelings, w just made me so chill. I felt like if Ima feel that then there is nothing w w me. It w rly good.
I’d just been feeling like I’d totally lost it all day; not like triggered or something, just feeling nuts; like I w slightly demented.
Ik that J’s commandments are healing me, and Ik that, soon I w have enough Neurones to be able to feel the way I wanna. Plus, the medication, coming down off it w help a lot to me feeling more real. That w be next month. I’m kinda sick of feeling like I’ve lost it all the time.
I have to not judge anyone for anything at any time of the day. Well, rly it’s when I’m out. If I judge people when I’m out then I feel that people are cycling past me staring at me like f. It only happens when I’ve judged someone so I have to be on the lookout for it.
It c start a trigger that makes everyone do same w is just horrendous. It’s no way to live tbh, being scared of that all the time. Tbh tho, I don’t fear that so much anymore. If I don’t judge then it won’t happen.
I’m not a robot tho. I can’t control my mind like that. It happens, I feel shame for slipping like that, and it hurts. I feel like I just hurt myself by not focusing right.
In Other News
My waterproof trainers are comfortable. I am always scared when trying on new Nike stuff. Tbh, their quality control is not good, I feel.
I can’t judge my abuser. I can’t even tell myself that I’m f up bc of abuse. It caused the situation w feeling like someone w staring at me like f, as they cycled past me. There is literally nothing that I am able to judge over.
It gets better when I get home. I can start thinking a little. I must not do that at all when I’m out or it leads to judgement. I have to keep my mind totally blank for most of the day.
It w such hard work to do that, so I w have anxiety attacks when I slipped, w w a lot. I’m asking myself if I’m in toxic situations bc of feeling gagged around my feelings like that.
There is nothing more that w cause a relapse, than dumping friends. There is no out. I must just wait until different people come along. I’m looking forward to working. I feel it w be the change I need.
I have to pick up the pieces, after leaving Google Ads. I have no clue w advertising is gonna look like now.
Tbh, I’ve probably made a move for the better. I feel that they are taking all the money that should be going to the advertiser. I feel there should be more profitability doing it any other way.
There is Instagram ads and Tumblr ads. There is Shoutcart and AdRoll. There are tons rly.
I w never fw FaceBook ads. I feel that facebook is the most toxic place on the internet. I privately call it HateBook.
At least I don’t have to judge whether I did the right thing or not. I’m not even upset.
I’ve realised that I’m in fear all the time, and my anxieties are coming from just feeling threatened all the time. When I.. If I were to get triggered over leaving Google, It w just be bc of the strain I’m under w being so scared; coming out and expressing itself over that instead.
To Change
K
Miss K 