Hey

It’s two am, the hour of the hunt; I don’t actually k, whether that’s daylight savings or winter time tho.

I think I heard a pigeon snoring on my roof.

Mahjong w a roaring success, I kinda made the beer afterwards, work too.

I have my coffee.  I’m trying hard not to judge.  I feel I got stared at yesterday, w I tried not to make me angry.

The thing is is that, the less I judge, the less they do this stuff, so it’s well good, not to.  Ima handle a lot more of things I find triggering.

I just forgive them; I do k tho, that they w be punished for their behaviour tho, I feel.  I feel that G forgives them, and punishes them at the same time.

I kinda feel, if I were to explain, how their behaviour felt to me, that w be me judging them; and it w be unhealthy to my soul, so it’s better that I don’t.

In Other News

I’ve got to open a Facebook account.  I never liked facebook, and bc I never used it, I can’t get back in.  I need it to access the help for Meta.  I’m not actually sure, Idk how the help works and it is kinda frustrating.  Alls Ik, is that I can’t get into it, the link is broken.  I’ll leave that tho, for when I am actually working on it; otherwise it’s me worrying, and Ima not do that.

That’s what I do w the business.  I tend to not think about how to do stuff, unless I’m actually working on it.  That way I’m never stressing.  I manage to keep the two separated.

I promised myself that I w be kind to myself in spades, over sorting this help thing out; bc it w monumentally important that I fix this, it w be make or break for the business, and it just had to work.  Ik that if I w super kind to myself I w be motivated to sort it, and keep sorting it until done

I get to use my proper email address for the account, bc the old one has been deleted.

It’s all ready to go.  I have a landing page, and an ad campaign.  I even started creating the ad.  The only thing that stopped me w verifying my payment method.

I c have just used another one, tho I didn’t want to do that, bc I want everything running through my business account, for tax purposes.  I felt super international, filling out my W8-BEN.  I’ve done it a couple of times now.

It’s only eleven days, till I get my medication reduced.  It feels crazy my psychiatrist being so keen to get me off it, when for years they have been trying hard to keep me on it.

It means I w be feeling more of my feelings, w w be super.  I w feel more alive.  I may even have less of these impulses that I’m getting, when I am attending the groups that I do to

Apparently, mahjong has super complicated rules.  I have just learned the basics.  It feels exciting to be learning it.  It requires concentration tho, bc I need to always be looking out for a pung or a cong, continuous presence, if you will.

I have a memory problem, I feel, w is slowly healing, caused by abuse.  Often, I can’t remember things I’ve just done.  This hurts emotionally.

I’m rly entering the world of being sociable, and it is totally new to me.  The one person I had to talk to, never spoke to me, ever.  It’s been hard.  I’ve had like these impulses that have been freaking me out.  It w horrid, tho I persevered through it.  It has been worth it.

I came to realise that human connection w actually a need, and that I’ve been denied it all my life.  Oh well.  I feel that I am emotionally at a very young age, bc of never experiencing that, apart from the last few years.  Idek at this stage, whether boundaries are healthy, it’s frightening.

I am used, I feel, to being completely controlled, and dek if it is possible to ask people to back the hell off.  I do make my own decisions tho, w feels amazing.  I’m way too scared to be close to anyone, and keep everyone at a distance.  The last thing I need is to be controlled again, and not being able to tell anyone no, I feel puts me at risk.

I feel it’s gonna take me several years to feel strong enough to say no, akin to like a child growing up, and needing several years to allow for this; also maybe feeling like having a tantrum bc of wanting my own way, Idk.  I feel that it’s people way more immature than me, that Ima not handle.

The first two years that I w at my voluntary job, I never spoke to people, just listened.  It’s a very slow process.

To Growing Up

K