Hey

4

I’m down Ferry Meadows, having some CBD.

I said, well on, w I’m super proud of.  It’s about how I w super insecure, and I kept yanking my hand, up to my head.  I had given myself a rash, doing it; and this girl, my supervisor, w saying, you have a twitch, don’t you.  Now I’m on the other end of it, w people doing it to me all the time.

In Other News

I tried to get into Meta.  I looked at a screenshot, that showed me that I needed to be logged into facebook to do it.  At least Ik that I have to now.  I don’t have a facebook account Ima get into, so that w be something that I do another day.

My flask won’t be coming for like a week, so I w be having sandwiches till then;  tho, often w Amazon, they send things earlier than they say.  It w be cold weather by then, so it w be nice.  We had like twelve degrees for a couple of days, I think, and things be swing back to that soon enough, and it w be autumn.

The parable that I must rly pay attention to atm, is, the parable of the unmerciful servant.  I have elevated to a point, where Ima see that.. omg there’s so many as well.. people who are seriously insecure and unrighteous.

The penalty for that is as severe as it gets, and I’m scared that Ima like be mean to them.  Tbh, they don’t pi me off that much anymore.  What it means is that I have been forgiven all my sins.  It’s comparable to a real life situation.

Idk why I’m so full of like anger and stuff.  I literally have been forgiven by G.  I should hold my head up proud.  If there are others who are not where I am, then that speaks to I should allow myself a lot of self esteem over that.

I mean, if I say that they are insecure, then I am insecure.  That is said in the Bible.  Whatever measure I judge by, that w be measured to me.  That’s the thing, that’s why I want to say something to one of them, bc I’m insecure.  I can’t allow myself the consomate self esteem that goes w that, to just not be felt.

All Ik is that Ima stop feeling insecure, in theory, and hopefully, if I fake it, I w make it; and feel like I have any kind of value as a human being.  I should probably think about how to increase my self esteem.  Why do I not value myself the way I should.

Well, I don’t think Ima do anything about my self esteem, I feel that’s chronic, probably from lifetime abuse.  Alls Ima do is stop thinking things about these people; if I can, to stop judging.

Tbh, I ain’t gonna say sh.  You have no idea the panic attacks these people have put me through by yanking their hand to their head, over and over and over, and doing other sh.  If I w gonna say something, I w have done it by now.

I must not let myself exalt myself.  I must not puff myself up, and feel that I am like, Idk, like a narcissistic thing, where I deem myself to be superior to others, that’s the word I’m looking for.

To feel how I do relate or regard myself in relation to these people, is something that Ima not think about; bc that is judgement, and should I do that, I w be judged.

I w trying to not laugh at this bloke tho.  I have trouble controlling my own mind, and there w this devil on my shoulder, literally trying to make me laugh, so’s I’d freak out, and embarrass him.

It c come from boundaries as well, like I’m trying to stand up for myself and I end up having a go at the person, and just it gets out of hand, and I’m being well mean.

I realised that fantasising about holding my boundaries w someone, is extremely toxic and never works out well.  I think the best thing for me, is to just admit that I don’t have any.  Just for the grace of G, that people aren’t taking the pi worse than they are.

I’ve cracked it.  Humility is the key.  To just rly put others first.  Ik how evil people are, and how they w be callous when pushed.  It’s ironic that that is the reason, tho it’s the truth.

Like, people is weird man, what’s up w people.  Like I had them putting all kinds of sh in my green bin, and I had to get a lock.  Why they so doobazhe.  Like someone should just give me a job, where it’s in alignment w my self esteem, and it earns great money.

I feel that’s just me projecting.  Like I’m rly scared of them, that’s what it is.  Like I don’t trust them as far as Ima throw them.

To The Parable Of The Unmerciful Servant

K