I’m at home
I felt bat sh crazy. I felt like everyone w gonna hunt me. I w so scared.
Luckily it didn’t last long. I w thinking about this trans girl who met a horrific demise, and feeling like I w gonna have that done to me. I felt so f unsafe.
I w judging a little, on the way home, trying to construct this reality so I w be able to make a little sense of w happened; and telling myself that I w judging and stopping.
I w thinking about the interview tomorrow, and wondering whether I w sane enough for it. Like I say, I felt so bananas.
And yet it’s a kinda bananas, that’s still in control. Cortisol hadn’t wreaked any harm on me, and I w able to go to Town, and get all the things that I needed.
Idk what reality is, Idk whether I am safe. I’m asking myself, am I like nuts, is my mind making all this up, tho not leaning one way or the other.
It c be that my mind has accelerated so much, that all this crazy sh is happening. I’ve noticed that sometimes all the people around me, are talking about me, and I struggle to take this, and I feel it’s putting pressure on me, on my nervous system and c be causing these symptoms.
Or it c be that my hedgehog pathway is so open, that all this madness is happening from my mind trying to make sense of all the new information that’s coming in bc of having the awareness to hear these things and notice them.
C be that my Yamanaka genes are on, that w well explain this sh; like the body is under incredible strain due to cell renewal.
Luckily it wasn’t as bad as when I w ringing up my support bc of feeling like I w gonna relapse; no, I tell a lie, it w as bad, tho I just wasn’t that scared this time.
It’s hard not knowing peoples’ intentions, especially when my safety is concerned.
Then I thought about my life, and w it worth it. It well is; like I have a totally new reality. I had to honestly think whether J’s commandments, were doing me good. I felt like I w being hated bc of following them.
I’ve cracked it homes, I need to get my ass into work. I feel that I w feel a lot safer there; and Ima be honest at my interview tomorrow, when she asks me why I want the job.
C it be me reliving my trauma, feeling like people are gonna do the same to me, that happened then.
In Other News
I couldn’t do anything this morning bc I couldn’t get online. I wanted to create another image for my landing page.
I also had a memory of a kid, when I w young, who looked like he had had a lobotomy. He had this circle of stitches on his head.
This scares me. People with ASBD can go completely unnoticed. His mom c have been one, and he w acting out and being very badly behaved bc of it, I feel. She c have seemed good as gold, as he w her narcissistic supply, I feel, and no one w have questioned her, on forcing him to have the operation.
Also it w benefit her, bc it w rob him of his empathy and be lifelong narcissistic supply for her, I feel.
Scared the sh out of me. I feel my mom has ASBD, and I thought.. I saw her talking to his mom and wonder if she w trying to find out how to make me have that operation. At that moment, the kid hit his head, badly injuring himself. C he have done this, aware of w w going on, and saved me.
It rly frightens me what can be missed.
Aside from this, my consciousness is going up like a rocket ship. I am noticing that people around me c be seriously insane.
It feels amazing to be getting my sanity back, including my youth. It gives me so much joy to watch ASMR.
To Surviving Difficult Experiences
K
Miss K 