Hey

It’s midnight, I have my coffee

I had some painful thoughts just now, I had to stop thinking.  I’ve rly come to the conclusion that if a thought hurts, it goes.

I w thinking about the parable of the wicked servant; that if I started to judge, that w be why all my righteousness w be gone, and I w be back at the start of me following these commandments.

This w happen bc of my righteousness, I w exalt myself above other people, and I w be destroyed.

The only thing Ima do round this is not think.  I’m scared of losing them, and this causes me to feel like judging them, that it is their fault somehow.  That’s why I must just kick thoughts like that out of my head.

J says of he who is in-trusted w a little w be in-trusted w more, and of who much is asked, much more w be asked, or something like that.

I suppose that the fact that I have been forgiven is enough; it is, I told myself that; when I feel that people are triggering.  I must say to myself that I have been forgiven, I must just endure the trigger and move on.  Tbh I don’t rly get that much triggered, possibly bc I move away from people like that.

I do get triggered when I am hungry, and Ima try to stop myself from doing something rude like interrupt someone.

I suppose it’s fear again, I have to just let go, and let it pass.  I remember my choice to be more open w people; little did Ik that it w lead me to feeling my emotions more and actually being able to feel alive when around people.  I guess these fear gambles are seriously worth it.

Coming off my medication, should allow me to be triggered less.  Risperidone or Buspirone have always made me getting triggered.

This is a side of having empathy, I feel, that I feel triggered by people.  When I w young, I used to be able to be around anyone; tho my friend said to me one time that he w talking to a mentally ill person and that the things that he w saying made sense.  I suppose if I talked to the person it w freak me out.

And that’s another type of fear, that this path is not taking me where I wanna go.  The point is tho, that it absolutely c take me where I wanna not go, if I turn to judging people.  I suppose this uncertainty is uncertainty w|i.  I suppose maybe, it’s a testing time.

The testing times appear to be the best tho, Ima reluctantly admit that; where I make a lot of progress in a short time.  This may come under the commandment of, when people say all kinds of evil on account of me, leap for joy bc great is your reward in heaven.

It c be for the time, where I am challenged w not judging anyone rn.  It c be the threshold into the reality where I never wanna judge anyone, like I w w I w younger.  I honestly feel that I felt no judgement towards anyone.

That is w I long for, and I feel that leaping for joy is me stepping into that.  It w be so nice to no longer need to make the effort, the judgement is just no longer there, sweet.

At that time I w actually be in kid reality for real, hence leaping for joy; this is a lot.

There’s also another warning.  When the floor is swept and the house put in order, the person takes seven evil spirits and the condition of the person is worse than the first.

I feel that rn there is a lot to watch out for.  I’m scared tho like J says, the reward w be great.

I suppose after a lifetime of feeling nothing, Ima just accept that things are gonna get better, woah.  Again, it’s a lot.

In Other News

I have to commit to doing ten minutes of tidying up, twice a week; and fit it in, and motivate myself to do it, all on my own now.

The point, is to just keep things as tidy as they have been lately, maintain it.  I w see my support worker in Jan to find out whether I have managed it.

Like I say, I see that the next step is kid consciousness, and through a time of testing, it w be a quick change w|i me, I feel.

I w saying that my hedgehog pathway should open up, and my Yamanaka genes get triggered; tho Ima just focus on the challenge of getting through this, and only see the change that is kid consciousness itself, as my only goal.

I’ve grown addicted to things that are a bit of a challenge; like the business.  I still haven’t gotten to put in my payment details, even tho I have opened a new Instagram account.  This difficulty and struggle rly turns me on; tho Ima not do it today, bc lately it has been a lot.

To The Most Challenging Struggles

K