Hey

It’s four pm, I’m having coffee in two hours

I hallucinated so hard today.  It felt like I had smoked something.  I thought to myself that I w lucky to be tripping out so much.  I guess I’m one hundo on placebo, I feel.

It calmed down w w one hell of a relief.  Tbh I feel that a lot of the relapses I’ve had have just been bc of not being able to handle the things people have been saying.  I feel that people say a lot of things when someone attractive is around and I felt challenged in being able to deal.

And at the same time, learning that I don’t feel threatened by it, them.  Tho of course it took time to get there, and that’s why I feel I w able to calm down.

So I suppose it’s a milestone and Ima be proud of myself and feel much more out of danger.

It’s two reasons to be astounded.  Just the thought that these things may have not been as malicious as I felt, or downright evil in fact.  And being able to not relapse.  And just thinking that I am now in the reality I want.

That makes it a huge responsibility.  I have to keep this reality, so it means never losing it at someone.  I always have to be on watch, on guard bc I c lose this reality like that.  Tho that’s not rly the lens I wanna see it through; I got here, I actually got here.

And I kinda guess that there are fairly young people who a not handle w people say and I just feel so grateful that Ima not be bothered by it; hopefully, that’s the goal and I feel I’m kinda on my way.

You see, I feel that the more it’s ignored, the more it goes away; and having learnt that, Ima not unlearn it, I feel.

I feel that for most people it’s about fighting these words that people say more and more, and for me it’s the opposite, handling it more and more.  They are going in one direction and Ima kinda go against the traffic.

That’s probably why it’s such a challenge for a fair while, to be real about it.  Tho when Ima at my destination Ima get off my ride and I’ll be somewhere where it’s well worth being, back where I started, the vibe I had when I w young, the vibe that I always wanted to go back to after having lost it.

Where am I; I’m almost there and I don’t feel that things w be that hard anymore.  C I rly have been through the worst of it.

It’s rly too soon to say.  I feel it’s such a challenge that Ima not take it lightly.  Relapse is a rl risk.

Ima have to have coffee early bc I’m jonesing.

So rly this challenge is my top priority and the business comes second, and everything else, I feel.  This c well be the doorway to that reality and I must not f it up; bc once there I w be safe, I feel.

I may never have to worry about what people say ever again.  As they say, there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

So it’s just chill and try and get through this.  Do I get angry at w people say when Ima try and deal.  Well, not rly, bc I chose this, I choose this.  I want to not be phased by all these comments, there is no other way.  How Ima be angry at something that may not be intentionally hurtful.  It’s a mash.

To The Mash

K