Hey

It’s two pm, I’m I had Coke Zero at twelve

It’s kinda a lot; that people understand so much about people.  Tho I feel seen, even tho I haven’t told them anything.

In Other News

Like I said before I w going for the rush.  I felt that when I w challenged in being able to deal, that it gave me this rush.  Not the rush of just.. yk when your mind isn’t yk your normal mind; that’s not what I’m taking about.

It kinda feels like butterflies in my tummy, like Ima go on a date, I guess.  I said to myself that anything that anyone says is just totally fine; bc it w bring this rush.  Crazy as it might sound, I w looking forward to it.

It’s the feeling of the rush.  It’s feeling that it means that my body is literally healing and becoming younger.  In that context I wanna feel it bad enough that Ik how I get it and Idc.

I feel it rn.  It’s kinda like.. it does actually feel like my body is healing and that’s why it feels like this.  It’s like an ASMR rush tho for the whole body; and it’s always there just underneath.

I w challenged w feeling like someone had said something.  I didn’t really tho I w feeling that kinda feeling.  I said to myself, good.  I feel I find it easier to deal w users when I am like this.  I just ignore them and I’m not worried about bumping into one, it’s just not on my radar.

The other thing is.. not like a certain type of thinking.  I named it; evil.  I feel that those types of thoughts are.. just evil.  And I feel that they are destroying me and must go.  I feel they cause my hallucinations and being challenged w the experience that I go through.

I 👏 honestly 👏, feel that this is one hundo saving me from relapse, so far.  Saying it like that makes me feel that Ima take it easy.  This has been a point that I have been struggling to get past, I feel.

I want this, my psychiatrist wants this, lets do this; and win.

Aryssa is now live.  Yesterday, like I said, I watched three hours Alyssa and two of Rin.  Looking to do two of Aryssa and three of Rin today.

I w challenged w a fear yesterday.  Today it never even cropped up.

The Business

W the business I must get proof of my accounts.  This means getting paperless billing.  I must do this today as I only have a few weeks to do it.  I feel it a lot easier to do it on chat, bc it doesn’t require security; maybe, Idk, just some personal details, nothing complex, hopefully

I have also cut down on caffein a bit; and feel that it may actually help me win this.  I feel it’s a lot of responsibility, and Ima not think about it.  I also feel that I must not drink or do anything like that.

To Responsibility

K