Hey

It’s two pm, I’m having coffee at six

I got to thinking that I had a demon.  I w challenged w feeling that I spent all my time trying not to wake it.

I concentrated on this all the way home, not waking the demon and allowed myself to think.  It worked rly well.  I am still trying this at home.

I want to keep the switch on; by not waking the demon.  I feel as long as I don’t wake the demon, I make fast progress to the reality I want.

I just wanna feel the way I want, that’s w these J’s commandments are doing for me.  It’s kinda weird; that’s why I don’t bother waking the demon, what do I need to wake the demon for.  I don’t need to know any of the socialisation; yk, those things that people k, that seem like a rl secret, the secret to life.  I don’t worry myself around learning any of that stuff; J’s commandments w give me all I need to k, I feel.  I have complete trust in them.

I like and need my clubs.  I’m the kind of person that needs to be around people, I feel; and why do I feel bat sh crazy, does that mean that I am the sanest of all.

I don’t feel I’m the sanest of all, I feel challenged w doubting peoples’ motives up the Wazoo.  That’s why I wanna practise J’s commandments.  I don’t like not knowing where people are coming from, I feel challenged w feeling threatened in such profound ways.

I thought back to when I w @ Uni, and remembered that I felt the same fear then, on the other side of the rainbow.  Judging the genders is something that I feel a lot of people do, like it’s a war like racism or something.  All Ima see is that we are the same I feel.

There are a lot of parallels w w I w @ Uni.  I feel challenged w people just talking to me like dog sh.  Again, it’s probably the opposite, being respected like F.

Then I thought I w never meant to be the most antisocial bi on the planet; like had I had the opportunity to grow up w some kinda closeness in my heart, I wouldn’t even have been a dork.  I feel I w have been the friendliest person ever.

I’m glad I had the past I had tho.  I like that I’m out here on my own, w the complete freedom to shape myself into whoever I wanna be, freedom to get the way I liked life, from when I w young.  It involves a lot of growing I feel, and feel that they w not wanna come w me.  Ima literally fight for my right to feel young, w every challenge that feels like dog sh tho is possibly people adoring me.

Later

I cried; just felt a closeness w all the people I hw that moved me to tears; and just feeling that this path I’m on is shaping me the way I w w, even tho Idk how it w change me, exactly.  It has me so open, and rly appreciating people

It is a challenge, feeling like people are saying the most evil sh, tho if Ima be totally honest, I just wouldn’t have it any other way.

In Other News

The landing page is rly taking shape, and Idek if anything else needs penciling out.  It’s like I said before; Ima only be able to sit down and lay the whole thing down, when my self esteem is there enough for me to have faith that Ima do it, don’t need my hands shaking so to speak that something is gonna go wrong, yk; Ima be blunt, Ima f it up.

To Freedom