Hey

It’s five pm, Ima have coffee soon

I just feel more human, more connected to people, more like there is a rl person spending time w them; like they are getting the value out of it of quality time or something, I feel.  I like the feeling of people liking being around me, and it is kinda totally new.  Learning that this is w it feels like, to be human.

No one is perfect, Ik that only too well.  Idek how I c have been trying to be perfect.  At this point it just makes no sense at all; w allows me to have self compassion bc Ima no longer strive for that.

I told someone to f off, felt that they were feeling entitled to my body.  I get that people say that all the time, hear it loads.  I still need to accept maybe that saying that is okay.  The other day I told someone to stop looking at me.

I remember as a kid, hearing Hannibal out of the A Team speaking of sleaze balls and not knowing w it meant, just wishing so hard that Ima go back to that.  I don’t like this at all.

And I do feel that Ima go back to it, by following J’s commandments.  It takes work, to not worry and to not judge, tho I want to put in as much effort as it takes, to realise that.  Like I say, I want to go back to that and it is my number one goal.

I honestly don’t feel that these feelings a carry on that much longer.  It’s gotta get old at some point.  Something has to break, something has to give.  My reality must change.

Like I say, I never remember feeling uncomfortable around lascivious people, I don’t even remember any lascivious people.  There w this one kid at school tho he did it to everyone and only bothered me once.

I must let it go, lest I start in on judging them.  For it is me that I want to change, not them.  There w a time when I liked the attention; no longer.

In Other News

I have finished my page, bar one image that I must create.  There’ll kinda be some kinda back and forth while I flesh it out, then the prompt is mostly w 5.5 has given me.

It is absolutely second priority.  I want me to be the person I wanna be.  I suppose that authenticity is kinda addictive.  I’m hooked.

I get that J’s commandments are w made me this way and I feel that they also have the power to fix me.  Just keep going and it w reset me to before a time when this w an issue.

The truth is money won’t change it, only following J’s commandments has, have, the power to do that; the futility of being wealthy.

All Ima do is watch Rin and Soft Rose and doll and Aryssa and a few others, and just allow them to create peace in my heart; a space where none of this exists.  They are my safe space.  Ima watch Rin rn.

Do they even k what they do for me, taking me out of this reality, allowing me to feel that I am where I wanna be in a few months, a year, when I am free from this.  It feels like I have it rn, the fantasy is real.

To The Fantasy

K