Hey

It’s one thirty pm, Ima have coffee at six

I felt like everyone w vermin; and it happened twice.

I w in the bus station and everyone felt like a thief who wanted to take advantage of me sexually; like a total parasite.  I w then, down Ferry Meadows, and all the people felt like.. it w like death by a thousand cuts; tho not death, social elevation.  It felt like they look at people funny and talk to people funny and get narcissistic supply out of every little cut; and elevate themselves in a huge way by doing so.

It felt so horrid and I w glad when it stopped.  I feel that way rn about my neighbours, kinda that they are vermin.  Idk why I feel this way.

I w challenged w only just making it through the day, I feel.

I’m just shocked that I feel this way.  What does it say about me; and w does it say about them.  I’ll be glad to get some food in a couple of minutes.  Got some cheesy rolls and w be having my Chinese food in like a couple of days.

I’ll have to clear out the freezer so will have to eat some mini hash browns and mini crispy potatoes; then Ima start on my hash browns.  They are pre-fried and won’t take long in the oven.  I also got some Mozzarella burgers, for tomorrow’s breakfast.

Aryssa’s just gone live, w be watching her soon, maybe.

I w sh myself all day that Ima have a relapse; and feel that Ima die and hallucinate the tv telling me that and believing it and feeling the second most scared I have ever felt; the first being also feeling that Ima die.  It w the abuse for lack of a better word that I feel gave me the schizophrenia that took over ten years to lose.

I again had the feeling that someone had nearly killed me, today.  I feel that this feeling w be cropping up a lot as I process that that is where stems the f up, lack of emotion, that I feel.  I feel that I am healing the more Ima accept that that is where it came from.  It’s better than ripping as we call it in this town and not being able to think.

Ik that some people respond badly to me asking if they said something rude.  I have assumed that that is everyone as I spend all my time w older people.  I literally felt like she had a go at me.

I need my clubs.  I’m not at liberty to even think about not having them.  They are w has given me my self esteem; the people at those clubs, for better or worse; aside from me following J’s commandments.

I need to be able to cope I feel, before Ima do more.  Like I said yesterday, I need to give myself a couple of weeks, I feel.  I want to k that I am no longer feeling like Ima die w such conviction that it nearly scares me to death, I feel.

I feel that this is all bc of lowering my medication.  I feel I w put on placebo bc if I w aware, I w complain and want more.  I want this w is happening rn, tho I am challenged w feeling it is tough.  I’m crying.

I don’t cry much and only if it pops out, I don’t try and feel it; in fact mostly I try not to feel it.  It’s stopped.

To Dealing

K