It’s two pm, Ima have coffee at six
I kinda freaked out; a little. I rang my friend for reassurance.
It started about fifteen years ago. I felt I w attacked in the Magistrates Court; and I felt like Ima die. I feel that’s what’s going on, that Ima relive this from time to time. Sometimes it’s rly intense and goes on for ages; it used to be hell. Today I just felt it for a little bit and I feel okay now.
It w always start w a trigger; like someone w say something and I w feel threatened; and feel that they were hating on me so bad. Then it w feel like everyone w hating on me like f, like for over an hour. I guess the stress of feeling that way just took it’s toll on me and these feelings w break through
The same kinda thing happened today tho it rly wasn’t that bad. I felt super mashed up like I w on some kinda hallucinogen. I w enjoying the buzz, it kinda took my mind of what I felt had been said to me.
Anyways, I guess that’s behind me for now.
For some reason today I feel a lot hotter than usual. I’m drinking hella water.
I just felt like I w in Kid Reality. Everyone felt like they were having a good time in the supermarket. It just woke me the f up that people may even feel this way a lot of the time; I had no clue. I felt like something had changed in me to be able to see them that way. I w genuinely shocked.
I remembered that when I w a kid, at times it felt like everyone around me w just.. it felt like a whole other reality and I felt like, for that moment that I w back in it; it w f. At the same time I felt like someone had said to me that I w going to heaven, that Ima die. It freaked me tho I held it down and kept it the f out of my head; like I say, ringing my friend when I got home.
Earlier
The day had gone well. I had not been feeling triggered in any big way. I’d stayed in the mall for like an hour then gone to Ferry Meadows, for about half an hour. The bus on the way home w f, it never showed so I walked it, then it came and I w able to jump on it.
I had told someone that I w just wrapping up the page. It honestly felt like I w, tho it w take some time bc I don’t like to be stressed doing it and rly I’m not able to do it when stressed, I feel, tbh bc of needing to almost be in the flow state, for it.
I thought to myself, maybe Ima get on w it, like just when I get home, put Aryssa on or Rin, and just every half hour dip into it; I w be able to just watch them for the most part. Today I feel that is totally out of the window. In fear of those feelings, Ima never do something that I feel may bring them back. I feel it arrogant of me to just suddenly feel that all that is behind me. I kinda c be, tho is probably gonna come back a lot.
All in all, one hell of a day. Hope Rin is on; at four. She is open about how f up she feels she is and I rly need that rn, that level of just relating. She has told me something that she thought, that just released me from feeling super f up over w I think. She has shared w me other stuff that she feels and kinda left me aware that instead of feeling that I’m like bad or something, that I’m totally normal.
To Rin
K
Miss K 