Hey

It’s about half one pm, Ima have coffee at five

Got mashed up a little; felt like someone w rude and then just the feeling just stayed w me that sometimes happens.  I w okay tho, just going about my business; yes, I felt like people were saying sh some of the time; and other times felt like they were being nice.

Just took my time at the checkout and made sure that I didn’t f anything up.  Stood for a minute in the store as well, bc Irdk what the f I w doing; then got some chicken nuggets-vegan.  So long as I’m checking w I need at home it all goes well when tweaked like this, I feel.

At the checkout I genuinely felt stoned; and wondered why this w.  Sunday at the Park I felt like I w drunk; it’s super weird; remember saying to myself.. this is kinda okay, people spend good money for this; and like do I even permit myself to enjoy it.  That thought w super f up and a total mash; and like Mr Kipling’s Cakes – Exceedingly Good

Got myself some kitchen roll, so w see how well that goes; looks just as good as the Blitz I used to get.  I just looked; looks like I’m getting three rolls for the price of one.  Holy sh, that’s gonna last me forever.

I thought about the hallucinations that Ima die and the feeling of worthlessness that kinda comes w it; and thought it feels a lot like when I felt I w attacked in the Magistrate’s Court, the attack that I feel gave me schizophrenia.

I’d heard that when people commit suicide they often look like they are getting better first.  Could it be that the trauma comes back, looking to be healed, tho is just too painful.  I can honestly say that mine was

Feeling that Ima go two ways.  1) start bad mouthing people who I feel are saying offensive sh 2) don’t judge them and become a kid again.. I feel

So that w it rly.  I w scared at one point that feeling that people were being so evil, w like put me right into a relapse again; I actually felt like it w close.  Having felt those feelings of imminent death, I kinda have accepted that that is probably some of the trauma healed.

In Other News

I guess the business w get done.  I feel like Ima, get on w it a bit, like I said.  I need to send in more stuff before Ima be free to do it.  I have to ask for another link, bc I w only able to send a certain amount.

I need to watch Rin.  I feel bat sh crazy as f rn.  It’s one of those times when I feel totally out of my f mind and need to sit in front of someone dope online to regain the feeling of sanity.  It’s like it feels like sanity is a rare thing that can only be found online.

I also watched someone new on Twitch.  She’s a pole dancer.  The music she listens to is total fire and I like that I’ve at last found a playlist that w be something that I so f hard, want to listen to.  The first track w everything I w looking for and the third good also.  I also like SpongeBob SquareDance.

It felt like I w finally cool w being ripped apart; just accepting it and that this w probably be going on for a long time and actually having the faith to believe that this w take me back to one hundo youth reality.  Again, it’s one where I never feel triggered.  I may never have to worry about it again.

To Youth

K