Hey

It’s two pm, Ima have coffee at six

Someone just said something to me that felt like pure evil.  Ima not judge that it w.  The thing tho, is that, I feel like I may have survived it.  I’m flabbergasted.  It w like she got the wrong idea and took it upon herself to try and rip me up, I feel; that she thought I w interested in this girl when I wasn’t.

There w this thing yesterday also.  This guy w yelling all this stuff about me fancying the girl in front of me.  I crossed the road bc I felt that all that w gonna scare the sh out of her.  He agreed.

Does it feel like people are thinking that I am into someone.  Maybe the two aren’t connected, maybe they are.  I kinda feel scared that there is a culture where people are allowed to do that.  I have never come across it from all the people Ik.

It kinda makes me feel that if that didn’t rip me up then nothing w.  I honestly don’t feel that I have ever experienced this before.  I have been telling myself that w I w a kid, this w how it w.  C this.. actually be right.

C my quest for reaching the reality I had back then, actually have paid off.  Like asking myself, Imagine never feeling like someone w saying evil sh; or if I felt that they did that it just didn’t bother me.

I’m asking myself, did I rly survive that, kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Could I accept it if it had; no more rip up, daily rip ups.  How c they stop so suddenly.  I had told myself that I w take years to get into that reality, just like it took years to get where I am.

I’m not angry.  I’m not struggling to say the things Ima say w|o just feeling like I’m moaning my ass off; being so careful to avoid having that energy, I feel.

In Other News

I spoke to the guy on the phone and he said that I actually am on two mg.  This kinda scared me bc I had felt like I w relapsing like f, for months.  The only thing Ima think of, is that my hedgehog pathway w opening.  It tracks if I just dealt so hard.  This is a serious head f.  You see the anti aging drugs that are being tested, open the hedgehog pathway.  That’s w every single one of them does, or at least the six I w aware of, I feel.  This is too much, it’s too much, it’s too much.  Like I looked in the mirror like for a few days hoping that my grey hair disappears.  Yk, tbh Ima not think about this any more.  It’s a lot.

I have to work on the business today; like kinda just plug away at it, this evening.  I’m working on the Hero Section.  I felt that if I broke it down into one section at a time, it w be less intimidating.  The thought of tackling the whole page is like overwhelming.  I don’t feel well.  I kinda feel like Ima die.

So, whenever there’s a trigger; there’s like this feeling now that this ain’t gonna be an issue.  That’s too much Ima just not go there.

I honestly never thought that it w be a sudden thing.  I never thought that all of a sudden, I w just be healed.  I had only thought this, at the start of the journey and caused myself so much pain from just being disappointed like every single day, I feel.  I had accepted, from having learned this, that Ima just not look at how long it w take; and now this.

To Not Feeling Triggered

K