Hey

It’s like nearly three; Ima have coffee at six

I kinda felt like everyone in Waitrose w angry.

It started down Ferry Meadows.  I walked past this couple and I felt anger.  Idk whether it w my anger or theirs, something that I have been questioning lately.  Do I have a Schit, where I see other peoples anger and feel that it is my own.  I had, three times in a row felt like people were angry and then instantly as soon as I w close to them, it boiled over; I feel.

I thought, do I have the inability to perceive other peoples anger.  Is it invisible to me bc I always feel that it is mine.

And shame, every time someone is angry feeling that they are angry at me, bc of feeling so worthless that ‘they must be’.

Letting go of feeling that all anger is about me.  When I w a kid, I w angry, just generically angry.  My dad got offended af, I feel, thinking that I w trying to take advantage of him or something, or put him down, just by being angry in and of itself or something like that, I feel.

This opens that reality back up to me where anger doesn’t have to be about anyone specific.  How anyone a k who, someone is angry about, unless they speak, there is no way of knowing, I feel; so why feel that anyone is angry at me.

I didn’t judge that I w in an abusive situation, tho I may have been, tho the rational w something like always being blamed for my mother’s anger.

Far Out

Is everyone in a rip, traveling from person to person, feeling this anger and feeling the way that I just described; creating this mass anger events.  Then I walk into it, feeling that I’m to blame.. tho hopefully not anymore.

People used to not unload nuclear weapons around me based on high rage; now they do.  When this first happened I felt I had a relapse not being able to deal w it.  It lasted literally all the time I w out, five hours; people hating the f out of people and me thinking that the whole thing w about me and feeling about as worthless as can be; and starting to actually hallucinate people saying evil sh to me, even the TV.

F that sh

So much hate about; like people thinking that if people don’t have sex then they end up messing w children; I’ve heard that one a lot.  I be minding my own business and then hear that and my shame kicks in and I feel that’s about me.  To name just one of the hate rationales there are in this town.  Are they real, Idc.

Why do people always pull out the children stuff around a trans person.  From my experience that tracks; ended up every f where I went hearing that sh, I feel.  W do you think a trans person’s biggest fear of someone saying something to them is..

Then just the floodgates opened and all the hate flowed out, I feel.

To Dealing W Hate

K