It’s three pm, Ima have coffee at six
I felt like there were thieves at Croquet so I left. I felt kinda like they were everywhere, after the guy who shouted at me twice the other day. There w someone on the way home, Idk if I judged him. He w in dirty clothes and I made sure that he didn’t follow me as he looked back at me, I felt.
I told myself not to worry; and also not worry about w they w say at croquet for me leaving. I kinda feel scared bc I haven’t been there for a while bc every time I go, it’s the wrong time. Idk when to go at the right time bc they haven’t put me on the WhatsApp group, and stopped sending the emails when it w be morning I feel. Maybe it’s my past and I feel that everything is my fault.
I mustn’t judge that they are thieves, I feel. I mustn’t judge that thieves are violent I feel, tho maybe they are, and so are swine if I give them money, I feel, tho I mustn’t judge them as violent also I feel. I mustn’t worry about how to deal w them, it all.
In Other News
Ima have a day off today, it’s Sunday. It’s just as well bc I just wanna chill rn. I kinda feel a bit like crying, I rly wanted to go; I’d done my shopping on the way special. I just didn’t feel confident that they c keep them out. They’re my friends and I didn’t get to see them. It’s been a long time as well, I’ve not seen anyone bc of this flipping dentist appointment. Ima literally cry a little bit here.
Most important thing tho is, that I keep following the commandments bc I feel they w keep me safe from all that I have said above; I honestly believe that.
It’s kinda like when I w a teen/in my early twenties. It all seems to be happening backwards; like when I said to myself that Ima never go out after dark. When I w scared to walk around Orton. It all seems to be happening tho in reverse; like I am heading towards feeling safe again. It’s shaping up to feel like, I felt when I w younger I feel, when I just wasn’t so petrified, I guess of evil people.
So rly this is all a good sign. That’s my positivity at work, tho I feel it’s true. I have so much faith that that is w is happening to me. It’s kinda profound rly, I feel. Like I say tho, there comes this phase where everyone feels like a threat. It happened when I w about twenty. Maybe Ima enter my teen years; I want to.
Ima not bring anything that someone a steal next time I go, they seemed super determined, I feel. I feel sick to my stomach; the words she said just replaying in my head. I felt that she felt that they all had it coming, it felt horrid to hear something like that. It w like she w so sure that she w get in, I felt.
I must not judge, again, call her violent, call her a thief. It doesn’t matter if she is, I feel. These commandments make sense to me, I feel.
I feel it w about a year before the crippling fear w gone, so maybe it w only take a year for it to go. I may be feeling like a teen quicker than I thought; one thing that rly is a silver lining in all this, I feel.
I wonder if the guy who shouted at me feels like a complete and utter lowlife for doing that. It’s irrelevant. Ima hope that at this point Idek how to judge him. That is on only his conscience I feel, tho he may well feel that I’ve had enough and leave me alone. Also I may never ever see him again. All this may disappear and just leave me at peace once more, for good, and even be a symptom of the changes Ima go through and be a lot less to do w them.
To Seeing The Bigger Picture
K
Miss K 