It’s about eleven thirty pm, Ima have coffee at five am.
I kinda feel like my hedgehog pathway w be wide open at some point. Ik that kids misbehave, I mustn’t do this. It feels like it’s somewhere between open and fully open. I am not holding my breath. Tbh, the point where I am @ is okay; to be here for the foreseeable. Ik that things move slowly, both in healing and in other things in life, like following my passion, my business. Tbh, the business is @ a point where I’m comfortable w it bc of the self esteem that it gives me; likewise w the level of.. what do I even call it, that, just feeling like I don’t judge people and that I.. am in some sort of reality where I don’t feel like shame or anything for who I am; kinda. I feel that judgement causes shame and that my reality used to be one built heavily on judgement and caused me to feel tormented; feeling these judgements and then going to pieces bc I felt something like that. I guess it’s the ability to be around people w|o judging them and feeling dope bc of it; feeling youthful and able to vibe w like a youthful reality; f it, being in a youthful reality; at times, at least; and for the most-part, being in a youthful reality like 24/7; listening to OhStella or Rin like and vibing w them and not losing it; like being in the zone the whole time. That’s rly it, just being able to be in the zone, w|o losing it at some point out of judgement; like w these toxic thoughts cropping up, pulling me out of that reality. That hurts, bc that’s the reality I want to be in, and to lose it sucks. Ik that’s what it means that I am not in that reality when I lose it; tho it doesn’t seem rly to be happening that much.
I remember watching this video, w lots of hugs and kisses; DarkLightASMR. I kinda felt shame and that pulled me out of the message, so focussed on not feeling that again and w able to get the vibe and the point of the video, w w rly to just root me in reality where I felt valued and able to handle feeling self esteem and feel that I am in the right place rn. So yes, it takes focus.
Thinking about cortical thinking and how it pulls the person out of reality, I feel; as maybe does the indignation of youth, devaluing older people w|i the thinker’s mind; and like I say misbehaving.
At some point it w all about being a ten; tho now it just feels like it’s about being in a youthful reality, being much more rewarding than the former, being a ten.
I w never have adam and eve’d it, believed it, that this c happen, that following these commandments c bring in youth. Ima not deny that anymore. I feel a lot younger than some people who are not nearly my age. Is it possible to get right down to the essence of youth sanity, I feel; where I felt totally and unshakeably sane. When I w young I felt this searing sanity running through my veins, that w always something that I wanted to go back to; deeming judgements and worry to be the things that pull me out of that vibe; cortical thinking. The cortex takes over I feel, when it is too well developed; adult reality being all about judging the value of others, I feel. I owned that I wanted to unknow things and actually know less; telling myself yesterday at many points that I need to not know how something worked that my cortex tried to focus on.
Rly having faith that this is actually happening to me. I am in it and it just feels real, bc it is, I feel. Visualising being one hundo in kid reality and looking back, just being in awe that this w possible; looking down at my body, my wrinkles gone; my hands so smooth like when Stella showed hers, w her piano fingers; looking in the mirror and just seeing a kid staring back at me. F me this is such a mash; and yet totally matter of fact I feel. Doing it different this time, not misbehaving, respecting adults, maybe hating them too; and kids, tho just following the commandments and letting them reduce that friction between me and them, allowing my hedgehog pathway to stay open, maintaining youth this time and not losing it in all out war w my parents in my twenties; devaluing them to ashes and w them myself, closing my hedgehog pathway for good, sealing the lid on the tomb of cellular regeneration.
To Liking It A Lot
K
Miss K 