Hey

It’s four pm, Ima have coffee rn

I had Matcha and CBD

Kinda got the feeling like it ain’t gonna work; w I had when I w fw my ad trying to make it hit.  It’s a feeling that went on for like two or three weeks, till I tried w worked; so I guess that it may take that long to get the Mechanism section up.

Something super tense just happened; and then a bit more; difficulties my neighbour is having.

I got to Hampton quite early; and came back super early; managed to catch the early bus.  I had like half an hour to chill out; it w like Home Dinners; then went to Croquet.  I played by myself for a bit then others came; we lost pretty badly.  I w playing w someone I can’t play against.  Ima not say that he’s that good, it’s just that I struggle when I play w him, like maybe I don’t feel okay in myself or something.

It’s peril again, Ima just chalk it down to that, I feel.  There are certainly challenges to following J’s commandments, I feel.  I want to do this tho.  I want the feeling of youth; w I had today.  When I w Home Dinners.. that’s why I called it Home Dinners, bc that’s w it felt like.

In Other News

Ima not think about people that maybe they are this, maybe they are that.  It didn’t work for me this morning; that’s the first time that that has happened.  I have been saying it for a while; so I dumped it and feel Ima not do that anymore; Idk.

I had vibes galore walking to Croquet, first Cambridge, then London then like Millionaire vibes.  I put it down to the people I w around; that there were people who were from those areas there at the time.

Ima wonder again if my hedgehog pathway turned on when I w freaking out those times.  I, only once have freaked out, as bad as that.  It c also have been me reliving something that happened to me a long time ago, tho Ima not feel like going into all that.  I mustn’t tell myself that it did, bc I may be setting myself up for disappointment.  Idk, I guess that some things just don’t have any rhyme or reason to it, them

I remember the Nickel gu.  It has been and gone; like I say, I felt like a kid today.  It feels like I’ve broken through that teen barrier; kinda.  It just gives me so much more motivation to carry on w this.  That feeling, w something that I wanna experience more and more.  I always wanted to go back to it.  I even had the Utopia vibe for a little bit; kinda.

I’m scared that Ima lose it on someone, a little; like these feelings that people are saying the most heinous sh to me.  Ima try and make sure that that doesn’t happen.. by rly just not worrying about it.  There’s like this fear that I get upset and I look like the most insane person ever.  It w be driven my the most intense shame, I feel; that Ima not want people to see me like that.  The truth tho is that.. I have been like that just over and over and over again so it’s not rly like, that’s not actually me.  What do I say to myself; oh well.

To Owning My Struggles

K