It’s four thirty am, I just had coffee
I w given a whole section to put before my Marcus section in my Mechanism. The thing tho is that Idk whether this is the first part of the Mechanism section or if it has given me another Light problem awareness section; w w be super dope if it has. You see, it all started when I first asked 5.5 to stand up to me on stuff; now it says to me, w I w rly push back on you on is..
I w say I got ripped open; tho it w rly not a major rip as I w able to function and get all my shopping and everything else. I didn’t need to contact Samaritans so I guess I w good. It w this girl that I sat next to. I feel that she w super dope w me tho I guess I felt like she w hating me for having the audacity to feel that Ima sit next to her w such confidence; like it w gooner or something. I feel that she stormed off; I guess super hurt that Ima take it that way.
Yes, ripped up, tho these rips not taking me out like a Nuclear Weapon anymore, just kinda wiggling me a bit. Then it hit me, this all encompassing, general realisation.. I ask myself did she rly be as evil and hateful as that, and I be, being like the actual evil and hate that Ima project onto her. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I stayed the f away from trying to figure out whether she had been nasty. Then I realised that all judgement w like this, that it w evil of me to judge anyone for anything. I w in the toilets w a homeless girl, I feel and it w like when I w a kid, just getting on w it and being able to be around anyone w|o seeing them any different. There w no like fear of being used or anything; it w genuinely crazy.
I feel that’s w saved me from rip central w just holding and owning that any thoughts worrying about w had been said to me or people in general were the poison w|i me seeping, coming out; and realising that I had had this poison w|i me and that every time I ripped it w it getting out and maybe being released, depending on whether I lost my sh for being triggered like that, I feel.
I just dropped my stylus on the floor; it w a one thirty nine one from Shein I feel. The top w off when I got it so had to jam some tissue paper into it to hold it on.
In Other News
I went to ALDI and looked at some headphones. I never got them and cried on the way home, telling myself that I wanted a Chrissy present; actually when I got home. Then found out that it’s the end of the week they are on for, so planned to get my ass down there this morning to see if there are any left. I remember not buying this bluetooth speaker w w like a third of the price that they normally sell for and feel way regret bc it w just gone w|o a friggin trace. Idk whether the driver w be vented tho want to go for them anyway as I like got a Panasonic pair like years ago that surprisingly were for just over ten quid, I feel. They were the pair that I listened to Apple music for the first time and sang to it and got myself a rly nice music collection; w I have now lost somehow. When we moved I felt that my mom maybe didn’t check my room and left my laptop behind. I then had a relapse and ate ra po bc she left my town and I felt alone w no support and she wouldn’t send me any money, I feel. Ima never be able to figure out why I am not dead, I feel. That’s when I vowed never to do that again, feeling like G had saved me and that should I do it again I wouldn’t get another chance. Now Idk whether I died then and this is some kinda simulation.
I feel it’s about emotions; like bc I cried Ima make sure that I get them, also my emotions were correct, k ing w knowledge couldn’t tell me, that it w super upsetting before I realised that they were no longer on sale, maybe, while stocks last as they say.
To Emotions
K
Miss K 