Hey

It’s one pm, Ima have coffee at four

Ima have to make this count I feel bc if I ring the Samaritans my neighbours w start.  It ended w someone mocking me bc I put my hand to cover my pin number bc I felt everyone w looking.  A woman knocked him down a peg or two.

I feel like I have been dealing w this all day, steadily getting worse; Feeling like a narcissistic supply feeding frenzy.  I feel that once upset, the feeding begins.  Comment after comment after comment, probably about twenty comments during the course of the day, or more, when I just wanted to be left alone.

Somehow they don’t see me.  They don’t see that I am upset and want to be left alone.  They k tho, bc it is only when I am upset that the frenzy begins I feel.

Also it happens when I come off my medication w just feels a bit arbitrary, targeted to do the most harm and I feel harm it does.

Just wondering if every relapse w actually caused by people just getting narcissistic supply bc I w weakened by being upset and anxious and off my medication.  When I say it like that, I feel it makes them sound like their oafish behaviour could easily kill someone; and by someone I mean me.

I hope that I don’t start hallucinating, tho feel that it w probably happen.  At one point I asked myself if this place w as bad as somewhere like Turkey or other places where women have reported feeling very unsafe.

I felt like it w all peoples’ sexual attraction towards me that w driving this behaviour that felt w hurting my mental health is spades.

I felt like it w aging that w like a sickness.  That it w judging more and more and being more and more of a bully I feel, that led to the physical symptoms.

I feel that these are people who are about to pop as we say, w is lose it bc of being a bully; that it is their last ditch attempt to save themselves, every comment that I got.

Also their last ditch attempt it felt to sexually harass me.  I feel that in six months I w be as youthful as an eighteen year old again and all the social implication, blatant sin I feel around that on gooning on me.

And when I w @ Hampton it felt like all the people were grossly unaware of the consequences of their actions like they were evil.

It felt like if I w hot, they were gonna damn well get something out of it, the whole town.  As I got nearer home I felt like someone w gonna try something; tbh they were all trying something, tho like I say unaware of the consequences of their actions I feel.

Kinda feel that in a work setting that c be garnering, getting narcissistic supply as a way of breaking me down to gain sexual manipulation of me.  Again, I feel it kinda makes them sound evil.

To Survival

K