Hey

It’s three thirty pm, Ima have coffee in a minute

Today went well.  I visited my psychiatrist and it w good; she w understanding, I felt.  Ima hope to be doing some therapy, dek what kind it w by or why I said yes to it; rly didn’t want to do the reds therapy, there w something about it that felt like it w be just abuse under the pretence of therapy.

Went to Hampton first; just sat and chilled, watched people go by.  Just kinda on the fly on the morning that it w get me there in time.  I didn’t want to go group incase they said that I c leave it a bit before I left and I missed my appointment.

It w nice to talk to someone young and I just opened up about some things that I believe like the cortical awareness theory and how J’s commandments, I feel, reduce cortical awareness reducing anxiety.

I explained w had been bugging me; she c do nothing except the therapy

I feel Ima be open to new things, bc I finally accepted that I w have to build a standard landing page; so therapy may or may not be a good idea.

I’m thinking in my head that she thinks that I have ASPD.  Idk why.  I have been having all these sadistic thoughts about how she w impressed w me.  It is something that I don’t want to be thinking.  Tbh I did deal w the situation super duper good; and honestly it’s not outlandish that she wonders how the hell Ima function like that at my age.  She must have people that age who come in who are a mess; and me gooning over that she realises that it w all J’s commandments and reducing that cortical volume, I feel.  I guess I just wanna be validated; like I w when I looked up what motivates people to serial kill, I feel.  I had a hunch and felt I w one hundo right.

The day has gone so quick; no hint of the issues that were plaguing me yesterday and the day before.  Maybe Ima chill a little, that Ima not relapse.  I told her that I don’t engage in dysfunctional behaviour when I am tearing a lot. Tearing’s a bit strong I feel.  I guess w it actually is that does the damage, is so many comments in one day.  It’s literally non stop I feel.

Just had coffee

Feel like my neighbours have been making personal comments to me the whole time that they have been out there; for years.  Finally said something.  I feel that my other neighbour came out and said something personal about me.  I just wish that people w just stop making personal comments towards me.

I have my armour, to say if you’re bullying me please stop.  It’s when I am next to someone and they just keep talking about me.  I feel this town is full of bullies.

That connection between when I feel like Ima relapse, and people being bullies to me; Idk why that happens only at that time, it’s puzzling the sh out of me.  I get that on the surface that smacks of extreme cruelty; Ik Ik.

Maybe it’s just that they have beaten me down to the point where Ima just be vulnerable to all sorts of abuse, Idk.

To Dealing

K