Hey

It’s about two pm, Ima have coffee at four

I’ve been saying, if you’re bullying me please stop, a few times.  I just feel that I w be saying it for the rest of my life.  People seem to be saying hateful stuff that feels like it is about me, I feel; w there w be no end to it.  Idk whether they are talking to me or not.

Ima easily see why no one has followed these commandments to the point of becoming young again; that’s exactly w I w to do tho.  Maybe I am waiting on evil for some reason, like maybe trauma of some kind.

My cortisol is raised and feels unpleasant.  I thought I heard my neighbours bullying me and that they have said I’m out now, I feel w some uncertainty.  Out bc of the line that I said.

I learned that it can just be me being paranoid.  I also k that sometimes people are bullies; and that they k that they are being bullies so rly I guess w not act crazy over it.  Something happened this morning tho when I said that line; I felt that I had the exact experience then.  Tbh I’m sick of this, I feel; sick w cortisol.

There’s this fear that this won’t stop and that it w lead to a relapse.  This happened last time w w w people w staring at me, I felt.  It got so bad I feel that I w hiding my face and people were trying their damndest to get a look at me.  One time this man stood there not letting me on the bus just staring at me the whole time, then as I walked away he made this motion like I w crazy.  I ended up w Anthrax, I feel.

C dropping saying, if you’re bullying me please stop, could that be w w save me.  I used to ride around saying please don’t stare at me.  I feel that it brought on the relapse.

I felt like I c stop people being bullies bc they k that they are doing it and they w accept w I say.  For some reason tho it doesn’t seem to be working, I feel.

It’s just accepting that I have to let people say sexually inappropriate things to me more and more, I feel.  That is always the context of this bullying I feel, the reason, desire and an attempt to have me in a physically sexually abusive situation I feel.

I must not judge that they are gooners, Ima only judge that they are bullies as I feel they k it.  Is a ra just a sex bully.

I hate that people find me attractive, I feel.  I feel threatened, that bc they feel that way, they w try and manipulate me into something I don’t want; and like I said, it w end up physically abusive over and over.  I 👏 want 👏, them to leave me alone

Sleazeballs is what Hannibal used to call them in The A Team.  I remember that when he used to say it, Idek what he meant.  Someone said pe; somehow tho it didn’t mean much to me.  Like just the thought of getting through this and ending up where I no longer feel like people are crawling to my door like a bunch of zombies, f thirsty.

I have worked out that there are as many female gooners as men, I feel.

I have a defence tho.  I act like a kid.  This bloke rode past me scared as sh to not look at me, I feel.  I feel if Ima hone this it w protect me.  I feel adults are sh scared of looking at a kid that way and I feel I pull it off.

To Getting Out Of This Sh

K