I feel like I’ve lost my f mind; or something of that sort. It’s a commitment; to just listen to people making endless lascivious comments I feel and not resist them in any way. Insane bc I feel it c spell my death; tho it could spell my death speaking up against it the whole time; as that is w caused my relapse last time, I feel.
Addicted to the pain of being ripped to shreds off growing triggers, as people say more and more stupid sh I feel, the more triggered I get, feeling like it’s them weakening me that gives them the opening and the cycle continues, tho not judging that that is w it is.
That’s w happened. I couldn’t judge them. I had to empty my mind of all thought and then just ended up feeling that I want them to hurt me.
I guess it’s my commitment to being a kid and then fear that there is no hope for me to get past this boundary unless I just let it go; rly just a leap of faith.
Ik that the only threat to me is the gooners for lack of a better word. That is w w stop me. It’s time for something radical and truly and exquisitely bat sh crazy. Have I lost my mind, I’ve never felt something w such clarity
It just feels that saying stop and no just has no dignity. I don’t want to be saying no to people who I feel should be respecting me enough to not be saying something in the first place, I feel.
Yes there’s fear; it’s the unknown. What I do k is that, like I say, saying something against it c spell certain death, so why not try the other option. It could mean that I start hallucinating my tv talking to me that Ima die, saying that it w be now and then a second later saying now and so on and so on for like an hour at a time; tho.. what is a girl to do. I want this so bad and it could be the opposite that by accepting death I am finally free of it for good, transitioning into a true eternal being. Am I Ellijahoo spoken of in the New Testament, the one who J himself be not worthy to lose the latches of my sandals. By hook or crook my G after this I w find out.
It’s all in. Have I watched too much Bet and lost my mind.
Can I commit to this, am I lying. It feels like a nice Chianti and some father beans.
Drunk on authenticity I stumble out of the bar and into the path of every person w a lascivious comment to make, right into the path of trucks cars and some crazy old dude who is maybe gonna crash into something gooning on me I feel.
I w be walking through flames not getting burned I feel. The earn stays on the shelf incomplete w|o a body. It may never get me and have to wait for eternity
The fire burns the flesh from my bones leaving only spirit; now I am truly alive, I w feel.
I’ve seen e girls avoiding the Gooners. It leads nowhere I feel. There is only one way to survive, to become a kid again and be totally impervious, immune to their whatever they f Ima call it; there attempts to get me into something that I ceased, stopped desiring a long time ago; just not respecting the freedom to be left alone in that, my right to genuinely and authentically be above that, dare I say it, I feel. Lower people saying come down here is w it feels like. The horror at them daring to say it I feel. Not rly expecting anyone to understand and that’s the issue, I feel.
To The Freedom To Reject W I Don’t Want
K
Miss K 