Hey

It’s five pm, Ima have coffee at ten

This morning

I’m back to not thinking In the mornings

It w evening.  I w all f up, trying a hold it down; watching Starling asmr, I tried not thinking.  A thought popped into my head.  I thought I’ll think it and see w happens.  It took me out of the asmr vibe, a few minutes later I w back in.  I carried on not thinking, and stayed so rooted that I got deep enough to feel mega asmr rushes.  Clearly it had worked.  I had noticed that it had stopped the pain of feeling super f up, after a day of just feeling ripped by constant unwelcome comments.

This morning, early on when I got up, I remembered the way to stay calm w all that w going on.  I chose it. I followed it all this morning.  On the way here, this guy I felt had stared at me the entire way from far off to right past me.  I felt upset.  I felt that he had got that one in bc I had chosen the path of staying present.  I w confused for a hot minute, should I have said something.  Later after getting some comments of this dude in Waitrose, I realised that I felt that there w no malice behind it and I had Made the right choice.

Today I’m cool w it

Rn

Rin just went live, Ima check her out.

I got back from croquet.  I got a taxi there bc I w late.  I had fallen asleep and felt like I had the energy to go.  I thought I might.

Like I said I just didn’t think; and that’s rly it, it’s a thought based reality.  When I am triggered I feel it’s bc of some kinda rational that it w meant this way or that way, w is thought.

I get scared that people are talking about me and they end up doing it; that’s extremely bad news.  The only thing Ima do about it is just not think about it.  It w build from the first trigger and then grow all day w feeling upset more and more about comments and then, usually in ALDI, someone I feel w ASPD will pipe up and say something super offensive; basically manipulative.  It’s horrid as f, I feel.

I felt feelings just like I used to when I w a kid, the sun the breeze, just time w people I respect.  I liked it.  I feel that my Neurones are pretty much there like they were when I w a kid; it just gave me valuable motivation to keep going.  Ik that day on day things don’t change much; Ima expect the same every day.  Since taking Mulberry I have felt like Ima lose it over and over and felt like Ima die.  I don’t want to stop taking it tho; whatever I’m doing just seems to be working.

I felt attractive today; w is something that had cut through the dire self esteem, I feel; and insecurity.

Ik that things w carry on like this, nothing w change just feeling triggered like building and building until like I say someone w ASPD I feel just tries to assert their f up opinion on me; and when I say f up, I rly feel that I mean f up.

Ima not get into ASPD and that I just feel that it is the inability to admit fallability.  A rl shocker that that w causes someone to kill, that’s the mechanism just not being able to admit wrongdoing when put in their place I feel.

To Dealing By Staying Present And Just Forgetting About It

K