Hey

It’s about seven pm, Ima have coffee at midnight

First I categorised thoughts as being either soft or hard thoughts.  Now I’m feeling that hard thoughts are too dark; that makes it easier to stop thinking them.  I realised that I w thinking too much and just needed to slow my thoughts down.  This worked super well.  I w able to stay stable enough to like being down Ferry Meadows; and hold the feeling some of the way home; the hard thoughts advancing on me like a pack of wolves tho I managed to avoid them.

That w Sunday.  Today I managed to focus at group for the whole time

It w like when I used to just not think and that worked for group, tho like I say, it’s about allowing myself thoughts tho staying away from the dark and disturbing ones.

I felt today like everyone w pure evil.  This feeling has happened a few times and normally is followed by hallucinations that Ima die.  Maybe I w Wrapped as a baby and this is how I felt, that everyone w just total scum; maybe I hallucinated that Ima die also.  It stands to reason bc I w literally being water boarded I feel.  It c all just be me reliving the past.  Idk how to stop it though, and feel like I’m in genuine danger of having a panic attack that actually kills me.

In Other News

I w watching outer banks and feel that it’s a really good show.  I don’t watch much tho bc I get like tired, exhausted w it I feel.  I need to get up to the new series before they stop running it, I feel.  One Of Us Is Lying stopped running and I miss rewatching it.  At the moment, Kira and Rafe are being held hostage until Kira spills about the diary.

Ima get frustrated w this slide to type.  I feel it w designed by someone w an empathy problem bc it is triggering to use and stupid how it won’t even create the word the, I feel.  Also just typing, the word, took eight attempts and it just would not yield to the actual letters I w typing.

I’m slightly angry now and need to calm down.

I feel life is a trap; Meyer, the illusory energy, just thwarting anyone’s attempt to get something better out of life; that it’s normal to say get something better and socially unacceptable to say be someone better, like it’s not even an afterthought; that the Young are crushed quick-smart out of altruism like it is pure evil, I feel; that someone who won’t harm is dead bc they won’t survive, they feel, I feel.

I feel that evil is simply the rationale that harming is good and that people who won’t harm are worthless; that it’s borne out of cortical awareness that eventually causes death bc they get such a taste for it that inevitably their bloodlust has to be stopped, I feel; that once on that path of evil, death will come sooner or later; I feel the prize for daring to survive through causing the spiritual death of others, the death of the brain jex of life, Kid Consciousness.

I suppose that, w these thoughts running through my mind, it w be easy to feel that human beings are dog sh, and have hallucinations Ima die, due to self gaslighting at feeling so demented my consciousness has failed and should just end resulting in death.

That sums it up quite nicely I feel.

To Human Beings Feeling Like Dog Sh

K