It’s half eight pm, I just had coffee
I said it to myself again, that I felt that my mom has ASPD. I felt this w the only thing that w help me to heal from emotionally unstable personality disorder. It’s caused by a schit, w is me blaming me for things that are my mom’s responsibility, I feel; like the fact that Ima stay away for my safety. To heal from the abuse, I feel, I need to be able to spot that it w abuse; for that is the damage that abuse does, that it stops the child from being able to understand w is abuse and w is not, I feel. This is bc, in order for the child to stay safe, they have to forget that it w abuse, I feel; and this carries on throughout the whole person’s life unless dealt w.
That’s why I feel I become emotionally unstable, bc I panic bc I am blaming myself for things that are not my fault; my programming causing me to always feel that in any situation I am the one at fault. I feel I am the worst person ever and become sick, I feel.
It’s like everyone in that person’s life carrying on the abuse even tho they don’t mean to, I feel, bc that person just doesn’t know how to respect themselves; like when I w having a relapse and wasn’t able to say yes to the help that they offered me and ended up getting Anthrax, I feel.
I feel that Ima say to myself that all the facts point to her having this illness, bc if I don’t I w always have emotionally unstable personality disorder; and also that the facts well overwhelmingly point to that I feel. I feel that this is the start of me healing from that seven or eight years after letting go of w I felt w abuse.
I also have accepted that this is a sh town w lots of abusive people, out of humility that a lot of people are saying it, I feel. That my walk to town actually has a lot of sh people who are upsetting to be around; so toxic that even walking past them is a mash, I feel; heaven knows how upset I w be if they spoke to me; w probably be to try and abuse me into having sex w them, I feel. Like there w a rapist, he admitted to being one, and I couldn’t tell myself that he w nasty, I feel, that he’s a genuine danger. That’s the thing, telling myself that these are nice people and that I am suffering w it bc Ima not handle being around them, I feel; no surprise that being so dumb makes me sick; and that empathy is actually the awareness of w is abuse and that I should not reject being more aware, I feel, lest, or I
abuse people bc abuse comes from someone who does not understand w is abuse, I feel.
Like I used to think that calling someone out for being an abusive person w|i myself, w me judging them; when rly it w me just having normal human awareness, I feel; an awareness that w stop me from being abusive myself, an awareness that human beings are supposed to have, I feel; why w I reject the awareness of all my friends, being able to understand them and be present w them, to not be sick and emotionally unaware w them; and that unawareness is bc pain is covering it up and I don’t want to feel that pain either, why w I say yes to pain, I feel.
To Spotting Abuse
K
Miss K 